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Rose: This is a Headgum podcast.
Arne: [singing] The doctor was the mother, he stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish, it was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle, and the horse was named Friday. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle.
Adal: This is Hey Riddle Riddle, I’m Adal Rafai.
JPC: I’m JPC.
Erin: And I’m Erin.
Adal: And we’re here to answer your riddies and puzzies that you might submit-
JPC: Ooh we didn’t agree to that [laughs].
Adal: We all agreed, right before the show, I said, “should we call them riddles and puzzles?” And we all agreed riddies and puzzies is the new way to say riddles and-
JPC: Wait so, in this scenario-
Erin: -I said riddlies and puddles.
JPC: In this scenario you pitched riddles and puzzles and then we all agreed to riddies and puzzies?
Adal: [laughing]
Erin: I like- [laughing]
JPC: So it’s not your idea, you’re putting that idea on us?
Erin: I like rizzies and puddles.
Adal: Rizzies, the main antagonist from “Grease” and Puddles.
JPC: [laughing] And I said ribbles and pubblies.
Adal: [laughing] We’re here to eat ribbles-
Erin: Ooples and boonoonoos.
JPC: [laughing] Joining us this week is Rafi [laughing].
Adal: Rafi’s ribbies and prubbles. .. So we’re gonna do, we’re gonna list off some riddles, some puzzles, some lateral thinking questions and we’re gonna try and solve them. We ask you at home, or on the train, or wherever - wherever you are listening to this, we ask you to try and play along at home and solve these. We’re not going to give the answer immediately, we’re going to try and figure them out, try and talk through them, so you can play along as - as well at home.
JPC: And by play along we do mean play along out loud, while you’re listening to the podcast.
Adal: Yeah.
JPC: Yell at us, try to interact with us, uh …
Adal: Please start …
Erin: Give me a call at ... [laughs]
Adal: Please start talking to someone on the train and apropos of nothing just start to talk with them about what the answer-
JPC: I’ve got a ribbie and and puzzlie for you [laughing].
Erin: I’ve got ipples and baninas coming your way [laughing].
Adal: If I have ten applies …
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: Let’s do our warm-up lightning round-
JPC: Okay.
Adal: -So these are gonna be shorter riddies and puzzies, maybe a little bit easier, a little bit more on the nose, versus needing to kind of suss out what’s missing or thinking outside the box theoretically.
JPC: I feel like every time you tell us that they’re gonna be easy ones it just puts like, a lot of pressure.
Adal: Gotcha, well all I know is that I gave these to some three-year-olds and then [laughing].
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: They got em within a few seconds and then they ate em.
Erin: I’m trying to work on my confidence so if you could set the expectations low so I could blow you out of the water-
Adal: We’re all trying to work on your confidence Erin.
Erin: [laughing] Thank you.
JPC: I’m trying to get my confidence way down, so what you’re doing is great.
Adal: [laughing] Here we go, we’ll just do a couple of these. I know the answers to these, you do not, here we go. First one, before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Erin: Still Mount Everest cus it doesn’t matter [laughing] Nothing matters.
Adal: The answer is Mount Everest, dot, nothing matters.
JPC: Yeah because that’s- uh God.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: Question number two, these are warm-ups. Remember, the stakes are low. In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year? In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year?
Erin: Every year. Am I not supposed to answer these quickly?
JPC: No, yeah, that’s fine to answer that quickly, right? It is every year, Christmas and New Year’s…
Adal: They fall in the same year every year.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Yeah. It isn’t, it’s not New Year’s Eve, which is what…
JPC: It’s New Year’s Day.
Adal: It’s New Year’s.
JPC: Yeah, I felt like those were.
Adal: Cus Christmas and New Year’s Eve never fall in the same year.
JPC: Or the same day! Uhh…
Erin: Ohhh.
JPC: I felt like we’re doing better at the warm-up riddles than what we did last time. Last time…
Adal: Well Hold your tongue, cus here comes number three. If you are running in a race and pass the second place person, what place are you in?
Erin: Second.
JPC: Yeah… He’s in third place.
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: Wow it must be really-
Adal: Wow.
JPC: -hard to be this guy.
Adal: I said if you are running in a race and pass the second place person, and JPC said “he was in third”. That’s a real “the doctor was a mom” situation.
JPC: [laughing] Oh you’re right, yeah yeah yeah.
Adal: Here’s the reason I love-
JPC: I don’t run co-ed races [laughing]
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: Here’s the reason I love puzzies and riddies-
Erin: But you run one or the other. It’s all women or all men plus you. [laughing]
Adal: If you’re having a barbecue, if you’re having a gathering, if you’re at a high school reunion, I feel like puzzies and riddies are such a great way to suss out who’s racist, who’s sexist.
JPC: Mhm, yeah.
Adal: Who’s-
Erin: Who’s a nerd. Who’s enjoying these and is a nerd.
JPC: Who likes a puddie and a rizzie. Yeah these are really great traps to spring on people.
Adal: Cus if you pose a riddie and someone says, “Oh that was definitely a man,” then that person obviously thinks all people are men.
JPC: Yeah, if you just, if you wanna catch people on pronoun puzzles [laughing] this is definitely, definitely the way to do it.
Adal: Let’s do one more of these.
JPC: One more warm-up.
Erin: Cool.
Adal: A man is able to contact his long-lost brother. This worked out for you JPC. A man is able to cont-
JPC: Why, because my brother got lost at sea?
Erin: [laughing]
JPC: Oh, I guess we’re just talking about that in the open now. He was lost at sea for a year.
Erin: That was on his no-no list of things we shouldn’t bring up.
JPC: I told you one thing I don’t want to mention is my brother lost at sea.
Adal: Do you think you should be saying we’re talking about that out in the open? When you lost your brother at sea?
Erin: Ohhhh.
JPC: He’s back now. He’s home.
Adal: Is he-
JPC: He speaks shark [laughing]
Adal: [laughing] I thought you were gonna say “He’s back now, he’s home, he’s dead!”
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: But he’s home!
Adal: But we found the body.
Erin: But he’s home!
JPC: But he’s home!... Taxidermy.
Adal: A man is able to contact his long lost brother who he has never met. They agree to meet. When the brother arrives he is able to instantly pick him out from the crowd. How is that possible?
Erin: They’re twins.
JPC: Twins. Twins brothers.
Adal: That’s the correct answer. Twiins.
JPC: Aand twiins. Which, we should have answered it that way.
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: Here’s one more. I think we’ll all like this one. A man was stabbed in the heart. No one tried to save him, but he didn’t die. How dat possible?
Erin: Does it say “how dat possible?”
Adal: [laughing] No, I-
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: -I took my own spin on it.
JPC: A man was stabbed in the heart, no one tried to save him, but he didn’t die. Did he get one of those Pulp Fiction adrenaline shots straight to the heart?
Adal: No.
JPC: Well.
Erin: Was it a shot to the heart?
JPC: [singing] And you’re to blame.
Adal: A man, I had one rule. No Bon Jovi. A man was stabbed in the heart-
JPC: Well you brought up my brother, so I feel like… (unintelligible)
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: And no one tried to save him but he didn’t die. How is that possible? We’re not moving on until you two …
JPC: A man was stabbed in the heart, no one tried to save him, but he didn’t die.
Adal: Talk yourselves through it. What do we know?
Erin: He didn’t die.
Adal: A man was stabbed in the heart.
JPC: What reasons would you have for stabbing someone in the heart?
Adal: They insult you, God’s voice tells you to…
JPC: Oh, he has a tat- he has a heart-shaped tattoo. Someone stabs him in the tattoo, it’s like on his arm or whatever, no one tries to save him because it’s a bar fight and people are like-
Erin: Cus that’s what someone would say, is not “I got stabbed in the arm.” No, “Ow someone stabbed me in my tattoo!”
JPC: It’s a riddie- [laughs] It’s a puddle.
Adal: “Doctor, I was stabbed in the heart.” “That’s your arm.” “Mmm but it’s a heart.”
Erin: Tattoo!
JPC: But aren’t I clever doctor?
Erin: [laughing] Celebrate me.
JPC: A man is- wait what is it?
Adal: A man is stabbed in the heart, no one tries to save him, but he- wait hold on…
JPC: But he doesn’t die.
Adal: But he doesn’t die.
JPC: Is it like a romantically, like he’s emotionally stabbed in the heart? Like…
Adal: How would that work?
JPC: Umm, uh you know, he just like suffers a heart break. People are like, “oh you stabbed me in the heart.”
Adal: I think that requires a little bit of roleplaying.
JPC: Oh god.
Adal: JPC why don’t you play Kevin, that’ll be-
JPC: The man.
Adal: -the person getting stabbed. Erin, why don’t you play Susie, she’ll be the person stabbing Kevin emotionally. And why don’t you play someone from Boston?
Erin: Okay.
JPC: But I’m not from Boston, I’m just visiting.
Erin: [laughing] Okay. Uh God, thank you so much for coming here to meet me.
JPC: Yeah, you sounded so upset in your email.
Adal: This is the part where Susie says what kind of make and model of car she has.
Erin: [laughing] I just, thanks for coming into my Honda Accord. And uh-
JPC: Yeah, well you mentioned to meet you in your car in your email.
Erin: Well Kevin, I hate to be this guy but um…
JPC: What guy?
Erin: [laughing] I- I hate to be this person, but I don’t love you anymore. I’m leaving you for another man.
JPC: What?
Erin: And I just want you to know this personal, this is about you, you’re unlovable.
JPC: Someone try to save me.
Erin: And I’ve been smoking your pot.
JPC: What!?
Erin: I’ve been smoking your pot, and I’ve been sleeping around and I found another man.
JPC: Well I got news for you Susie, that wasn’t pot, that was oregano. I’ve been selling that to you dumb Boston idiots.
Erin: Stab stab stab!
JPC: Augh! Oh she stabbed me in my tattoo!
Adal: No one tries to save this man cus he’s an asshole.
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: Oregano?
Adal: But he’s a coward so he doesn’t die. He dies a thousand deaths.
JPC: Ah yes. What’s the answer to this stupid puzzie?
Adal: The answer is he’s already dead.
Erin: Mmm! I was just about to say that but I was taking a sip of my water.
JPC: Ohh wow.
Adal: Erin, last episode and this episode, two for two, you’ve exclaimed, “I was about to say that but I didn’t.” We gotta open up those gates.
Erin: [sighing] uhh God.
JPC: I- you know what, I was about, I felt that Erin was about to say that.
Erin: Thank you.
JPC: I was nowhere close to that.
Erin: Well I didn’t- as- right before you were about to answer I went ohh okay.
JPC: He dead.
Erin: He’s dead.
Adal: Remember this is all based on the honor system so if I say an answer and you go “Mmm I was gonna say that!” I’ll give it to you.
JPC: Okay! I was not going to say that.
Adal: Even though we’re not keeping- this is-
Erin: One for me!
JPC: And again Erin, I just needed to point out like we pointed out in the first episode, these are warm-ups and warm-ups historically for no sport, [laughing] count towards the point total.
Adal: Alright we have finished the lightning round, we formed up our brains. Let’s get into the meat and potatoes of this podcast. Here we go, this is our first one, and this one is gonna be a little bit of a court case so I’m gonna read the case, I’m gonna let you know what the mystery is, or what we need to solve, is. And I’m gonna give you a few clues that we have. As you get into this portion of the show these are ones that I do not have the answers to so I will be trying to figure this out as well.
JPC: I love how Erin closes her eyes even before you start reading the prompt. She’s got her eyes closed while you’re talking about like, the rules of the prompt.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: I feel like everytime I, if I watch Erin for more than like 30 seconds it looks like she’s in like an Enya video.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: Like she’s blissing out so like, she can hear music that nobody else can hear.
JPC: I mean she got the- she got the warm-ups so well, but the deep level of concentration that she’s living in.
Erin: I’m so embarrassed!
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: She’s also since five minutes ago, she’s aged twenty years.
Erin: I often forget that people can see me. And when I was a kid I thought that if I closed my eyes other people couldn’t see me. And so there’s lots of photographs of me with my eyes shut.
Adal: Up until what age did you believe that? Now?
Erin: Uh, twenty-four [laughing]
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: I love- this is so mentally taxing you have to close your eyes and age yourself. Here we go! Here’s the case: Steve hangs out in the bad part of town and he loves to drink beer. He is often seen gesturing violently with both hands as he talks in a loud voice even though no one else is nearby. Sometimes he repeats himself three or four times. Although police officers routinely lock up people who drink as much as Steve does, and walk around talking to no one, they always leave Steve alone. This is a lot to unpack. The mystery: what is Steve doing while he gestures with his hands? The clues. Before we get into clues, what do we think so far? He crazy.
JPC: Well. you know, no, I-
Adal: And the police are like, “We don’t want to deal with this.” So he’s an ex-cop, they feel bad for him, he was, he has like-
Erin: Maybe he’s a performer.
Ada: -post-traumatic stress, yeah. Maybe he’s rehearsing lines.
JPC: Did you say a Mormon?
Erin: A performer.
JPC: Oh a performer.
Erin: Yeah like he’s doing stand-up and he’s...
Adal: But why does that explain why he loves to drink beer?
JPC: So he loves to drink beer-
Erin: Because he’s sad.
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: I mean, yes, it’s a depressed…
Adal: Well that’s, when you say performer, we assume, we can extrapolate sad, those are synonymous.
JPC: I mean, who doesn’t love to drink beer?
Adal: Those are syn-a-mins. Who doesn’t love to drink beer?
JPC: Yeah yeah exactly, like everyone loves to drink beer. I mean I’ve been sober for five years but I love to drink beer.
Erin: Okay so what’s the question, what’s the mystery?
JPC: What’s the mystery?
Adal: What is Steve doing while he gestures with his hands? So we know he drunk. We know he’s gesturing violently with both hands so he’s like, Italian.
JPC: He’s using both hands-
Adal: Yeah.
JPC: -to talk about how spicy some sauce is.
Adal: He’s gesticulating violently with both hands as he talks in a loud voice even though no one else is nearby. Sometimes he repeats himself three or four times. Although police officers routinely lock up people who drink as much as Steve does and walk around talking to no one they always leave Steve alone.
JPC: So what kind of profession would you have that would allow you to be drunk?
Erin: Bartender.
JPC: Okay yeah, bartenders are allowed to drink. But he walks around and he talks to no one.
Adal: Maybe No One is the name of his horse?
JPC: So, the answer to most riddles is that one of the keywords in the riddle is the name of a horse.
Erin: [laughing]
JPC: That’s for sure true. Every riddle we’ve done so far-
Adal: Kevin has five apples. I take away one apple. How many apples does Kevin have?
JPC: He has four horses. [laughing]
Adal: -Four and they’re horses.
Erin: Because all riddles take place in the late nineteenth century.
Adal: Mhm.
JPC: Cus my other guess was that like, you know like, this guy who they call Steve in the book but I think that that’s Kevin?
Adal: Mhm.
JPC: Probably pronounced Kevin. Is a cop himself, which is why cops don’t bother him?
Adal: And he’s undercover?
JPC: Yeah.
Erin: Mmm.
Adal: Here’s some of the clues. Police officers don’t give Steve a second glance, they think he’s perfectly normal. Well, we assume that from what we heard earlier.
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: Another clue: Steve is usually well dressed. Aren’t we all? Usually well dressed?
JPC: Usually.
Adal: Steve is not homeless. That’s the best clue. I feel like from here on out every clue should be whether or not they’re homeless. Steve likes to use modern technology. Headset. He’s wearing one of those like, bluetooth, right?
Erin: Ohh.
JPC: He’s wearing a headset?
Erin: Maybe he’s talking on the phone?
Adal: Or like a bluetooth, like one of those ear pieces.
JPC: Okay, yeah.
Adal: Steve is having a conversation with someone even though it looks like he’s alone. So he’s on bluetooth.
Erin: Or he’s on stage.
JPC: Yeah that’s what I thought too.
Adal: But why is he drunk? He loves to drink beer.
JPC: The other thing I thought was he was some sort of like Alex Jones radio personality, you know who’s just getting drunk and ranting into a microphone. But doesn’t the thing also say he’s on the street when he does this?
Erin: Yeah this said-
JPC: Or did they say that they-
Erin: A bar?
JPC: -lock up people on the street who do this?
Adal: I guess it doesn’t say he’s on the street. But it says police officers pass him, right?
JPC: Yeah I thought why else would a police officer be walking past him?
Adal: It’s gotta be a bluetooth headset.
Erin: Okay.
JPC: Well yeah but didn’t they just say that in the clues? Like, they’re like, “it’s a headset!”
Adal: Here’s what- these aren’t clues, but here’s what we can assume. Everyone is scared of Steve. He’s drunk.
JPC: We can assume this?
Adal: He’s slurring his speech so he keeps repeating himself. These are just-
Erin: Are we sure he’s drunk?
Adal: He loves to drink, we know that. He loves to drink beer. Well, that’s true, he- [laughing]
Erin: He might not be drunk at all.
JPC: All we know is what he loves.
Adal: Steve hangs out in the bad part of town. He loves to eat steak.
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: What if he’s one of the airport things where you get people to land planes? Cus you talk into a headset for that.
Adal: Okay, yeah.
JPC: So he’s a drunk air traffic controller.
Adal: [laughing] I mean that makes as much sense as anything.
Erin: Does it say that he’s drunk when he’s working?
JPC: But they say that he walks around, they say that in there as well. So that’s true. Like air traffic controller people like, walk around.
Adal: Yeah it says he walks around talking to no one.
JPC: Like radio hosts don’t walk around, so...
Adal: Mmm, I think we go to the answer.
JPC: We gotta go to the answer.
Erin: I’m ready.
Adal: We gotta go to this answer. Here’s the-
JPC: It’s stumped us.
Adal: Here’s the A: Steve is wearing a wireless headset. He’s talking on his mobile phone. That is the full fucking answer.
Erin: [gasps] I’m so disappointed.
Adal: The full fucking answer is Steve is wearing a wireless headset, he is talking on his mobile phone.
JPC: What?
Adal: All of that, all of that superfluous information. But what is he yelling he has to repeat himself three or four times?
JPC: Okay.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: Here’s, okay here’s my new theory. Episode One, remember that guy who would call Susie and she would act angry like it was a solicitor?
JPC: Uh huh.
Adal: This is the same situation.
JPC: I- this is hardly a riddle! Does this count as a riddle?
Erin: [laughing] I- that made me sad.
JPC: I’m, yeah that answer surprised me and, what’s the- what’s a bad surprise? What’s the word, it’s like a, it made my heart hurt.
Erin: [laughing]
JPC: I felt like I’d been that guy who got stabbed.
Adal: Night terror. That’s what you’re thinking of, the word “night terror”
JPC: Yeah, it just gave me a night terror.
Adal: So here’s everything left on the table. After we got the answer, here’s what’s still left to be used in this contraption: he loves to drink beer, he gestures violently with both hands, he talks in a loud voice. He repeats things three or four times, the police leave him alone. All of that- Steve is not homeless- all of that was left on the table with this answer.
JPC: Yeah, I mean, I guess it was the whole thing was like, this information was just a misdirect?
Adal: That’s like buying a table at IKEA, and you put everything together and you realise it’s just a tabletop and legs and screws are laying on the side and you’re like, “That’s my tabie!”
JPC: Do you have an example for someone who’s not a millionaire who might understand?
Adal: [laughing] You buy a table from JCPenney.
JPC: Thank you [laughing] JCPenney, a store for the people!
Erin: I feel like that question was entirely misdirects with no information and the clue about the technology thing was just basically the answer.
JPC: Here’s what I’m gonna say about riddles in general, I’m not a big fan of the misdirect school of riddle. I like the, you know, “use the whole buffalo” type of riddle. I wanna get into a riddle where everything has some sort of importance. Because I’m like, I’m getting, you know, “he loves to drink beer”, it’s like what kind of- I’m trying to think of what his job is but it’s just a dickhead on a phone.
Erin: Hey JPC I think that’s how you view the world, huh?
JPC: Mhm.
Erin: You want everything to have meaning?
JPC: That’s true.
Erin: [singing] I’m learning a lot about you.
JPC: [singing] Learning a lot about you.
Erin: [singing along] About you [laughs] [talking] I wish there was a song like-
JPC: There is a song-
Erin: “Getting to Know You”-
JPC: -called “Getting to Know You” that’s a real song that we could’ve sang that we apparently both know. Ahhh.
Erin: [singing] Learning a lot about you, learning all sorts of things about you.
JPC: [singing along] Sorts of things about you.
Adal: But like every podcast does, we have to be like, “don’t use more than ten seconds!”
JPC: Oh yeah that’s true.
Adal: That’s- by law, if you’re doing a podcast you have to make that joke.
JPC: Yeah because “Getting to Know You” [laughs] that song is certainly not in the public domain.
Adal: But we can sing “Happy Birthday”
JPC: Now we can.
Adal: To our heart’s content. Here’s puzzie number tee.
JPC: Do you want to take that again for people who don’t speak idiot? [laughing]
Adal: His riddie number doe.
JPC, Erin: [laughing]
Adal: It’s a short one just because I’m mad at that last one. We’re gonna do a short one: Can salt be recycled? How?
JPC: I’m sorry, wait [laughing]
Erin: Can salt- are you saying salt?
Adal: Can salt be recycled? How?
Erin: S-A-L-T?
Adal: I feel like this is someone posing a question being like, “I’m a scientist” This isn’t a riddle.
JPC: What- is this a Yahoo Answer? Like, what is this? Can salt be recycled, how?
Adal: How?
JPC: So we just have to know how salt can be recycled.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: Well, if you don’t-
JPC: The answer is obviously yes, because “How” wouldn’t be part of it if it was no. Can salt be recycled? No.
Adal: You played yourself, riddle. You gave us everything. By saying “how” you gave us the full answer you fool.
JPC: So salt, can-
Adal: You fucked up, riddle.
JPC: That riddle should say, “Salt can be recycled, how?”
Adal: A man was stabbed in the heart, no one tried to save him, but he didn’t die. He was already dead, how?
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: You played yourself, riddle.
JPC: I feel like “How” is a question you never have to ask in a riddle because that’s inherent to the riddle. Okay.
Adal: Can salt be-
JPC: Anyone know how salt can be recycled?
Erin: Well JPC just started this like, “Guess we have to solve this!” As if that wasn’t the whole concept for this show.
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: What a chore this is.
Adal: Ugh, this again? I feel like every time I come on this podcast I have to solve something
JPC: [laughing] This is Hey Riddle Riddle, not “What Information Do You Have About Salt?” This is trivia at this point.
Erin: Here’s some things I know about salt: It’s in a lot of water, umm.
JPC: It’s an Angelina Jolie movie.
Erin: All of our- yes- all of- everything goes back to nature, everything is recycled. Everything in the world is recycled.
Adal: She’s one-third of Salt N Peppa.
Erin: Yep.
JPC: My answer for this I’m locked in and I think it’s “drink your own piss”. And I think that that’s right. And not just in the context of this riddle, I think that that’s the correct thing to do in life.
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: What’s funny is people have this taboo. You would never drink someone else’s piss but you would drink your own piss all day!
Erin: Don’t you die if you drink your piss too much but you don’t die-
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: -if you drink someone else’s? It’s something like that. I’m circling something.
Adal: Don’t you die if you drink your own piss?
JPC: How? [laughs]
Erin: [laughing] I’m- someone out there knows what I’m talking about.
Adal: I love that Mother Nature was just like, oh, we’ll let humans drink piss, but if you drink your own.
Erin: So they get to know each other and socialize.
Adal: Yeah, sailor’s delight.
JPC: [laughing] Mother Nature’s like a mom who’s like, “who are your friends?”’
Adal: Sweetie, wear a jacket and don’t drink your own piss.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: Mom, I’m just gonna be out for the night. “I’m just saying, if it comes to it, don’t drink your own piss. You know that’s how your grandpa died.”
Erin: How do you recycle salt?
Adal: Well, here’s what I think. I think you can’t consume it. I think the thought is,”Oh, once you eat salt you gotta shit it out.” But I think in this context we’re not eating salt. So you can like, age steak in a salt cave, right?
Erin: Mhm.
Adal: You can use salt as a presentation.
JPC: I’m listening to the words-
Erin: Great first example.
JPC: -you’re saying but I don’t know how they answer this riddle.
Adal: You know when you get married and you take your bride or groom across the threshold and you sprinkle salt on the bed?
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: Maybe you just reuse that later.
Erin: I think you’re thinking of rose petals.
Adal: Wait what did I say?
JPC: [laughing] you know when you get married-
Erin: You throw salt at vampires.
JPC: -and you put your bride or your groom in a big pot and sprinkle some salt.
Erin: [laughing]
JPC: What’s the answer?
Erin: And you can hear them scream.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: Okay let’s get some clues here.
JPC: Oh good, clues.
Adal: Are we talking about ordinary table salt, sodium chloride? Yes. Is the salt eaten? Yes. So there goes my bed theory. Is the same salt eaten twice? Yes.
JPC: So my piss drinking theory is looking pretty good.
Adal: [simultaneously] is looking pretty good.../ How are we feeling? Are we…
Erin: I still, yeah.
JPC: If you eat the salt you can sweat it out? And then eat it off the back of your lover?
Erin: If you-
Adal: You know that Paul Simon song? “Fifty Ways to Eat Salt off the back of your lover”?
Erin: [singing] Just eat it off the back, Jack.
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: Get a new back.
JPC: But yeah, when you sweat that’s- you’re sweating salts?
Adal: Exactly.
Erin: And then you lick, and then you lick-
JPC: Lick yourself? Yeah.
Erin: -your hand.
JPC: So that’s my answer. Sweat it out, lick yourself.
Adal: Erin?
Erin: I’m with him.
Adal: That’s what your t-shirt says.
Erin, JPC: [laughing]
Adal: We get it, you support Bernie Sanders.
Erin: And it’s cheerful but also it’s like a little manic. “I’m with him.”
JPC: “I’m with him.”
Adal: I think it is- oh boy, I think it’s gonna be something with tears maybe.
JPC: Mhm, yeah.
Adal: And you say sweat, sweat, tears.
Erin: Mhm
Adal: Here we go. “Bread recipes customarily call for small amounts of salt. By vigorously kneading bread dough and working up a sweat, one can add previously eaten salt to the dough so it will be eaten again.” That’s assuming a lot. So, sweating was the right answer.
JPC: Yeah.
Erin: Okay.
Adal: But it’s assuming that while someone is kneading dough, say someone at your local Little Caesar’s, is making a pizza-
JPC: Yeah they make that dough in-house.
Adal: As they sweat, their sweat seeps into the dough-
Erin: It’s an old Italian man-
Adal: -And you’re eating too much. [laughs]
Erin: -Forming all day.
Adal: He’s gesticulating wildly saying the same thing three or four times.
JPC: You know, there is a thing with making bread where it’s like the- whatever the bacteria, the cultures that you have on your hands when you make bread affects the way the bread tastes, like when you make the bread yeast or whatever. I don’t know why I said that or know that.
Erin: No, that’s true.
JPC: It’s true!
Erin: See, I never wash my hands, and that’s why my bread is so specific.
JPC: No, there are people that collect specific bread strains of like, peoples’ hand’s bread cus they all like, all those sourdoughs taste different or whatever. [sighs]
Erin: I know what you mean, I’ve heard that.
JPC: Yeah.
Erin: We were right about it being sweat, I’m proud of us.
Adal: Let’s do a little roleplaying.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: You two are working in a bakery.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: And you’re making bread, but in a circumstance that requires a lot of sweat.
Erin: Cool.
JPC: So we’re listening to that- god, what’s that, “Girl I’m gonna make you sweat” Does anyone know that song?
Erin: I don’t.
JPC: Don’t worry about it.
Erin: [singing] Learning about you.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: No more than ten seconds, guys.
JPC: Okay, okay.
[French bistro music]
JPC: Oh Susie, could we turn down the fucking radiator, I’m burning alive in here.
Erin: Oh, it’s so hot in here. Wait, ahchoo! [gasps]
JPC: Jesus Christ you sneezed all-
Erin: I sneezed on the bread.
JPC: -over that bread.
Adal: We see blood splatter across the bread.
Erin, JPC: [laughing]
JPC: Oh my God. Susie, that’s blood.
Erin: I’m okay, I’m just sick all the time.
JPC: No, Susie, that’s bad, I think you might be really sick. We cut to the hospital.
Adal: [laughing] Is something Kevin says. I do the stage directions.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: We cut to the hospital.
[hospital sounds]
JPC: Excuse me Doctor Kevin?
Adal: Why would you assume my name is Kevin? Cus I’m a doctor? I’m a mom.
JPC: [laughing] Oh I’m sorry Susie. Oh boy.
Erin: Oh no.
JPC: My wife Susie, I think she’s really sick, she’s-
Adal: I’m not your wife, I’m a mom.
Erin: But I’m already dead.
Adal: We see a bag of coke fall out of Susie’s pocket.
JPC: Oh- Doctor, you dropped your coke.
Adal: I was trying to see if you wanted to buy.
JPC: Well my wife is dead, so I guess I could use a little upper.
Adal: If she’s already dead do you mind if I stab her in the heart?
JPC: Not at all, I’m a weirdo! Would you like some bread?
Erin, Adal: Scene.
JPC: [singing] I’m gonna make you sweat. [laughing]
Adal: [sighing]
JPC: Okay so that riddle I give a “D”. My highest rating to date.
Erin: I again, still don’t like riddles. Let’s continue.
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: One day I may change my mind, today is not that day. Continue.
Adal: I’d give that a “C”. I would’ve given that an “F” but after the headset one I feel like that set the bar in terms of- that’s our base.
JPC: That was better than the headset one and I did solve that one so I feel good.
Adal: Yeah.
Erin: Mhm.
Adal: So that was number two, let’s move on to number three. We feeling good?
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Here we go to number three. “One day earlier, little Oscar had mailed an order form for a wanted toy. Now he was constantly pestering his mother to let him check the mail. Suddenly, looking out the window at the apartment complex mailboxes he shouted, ‘The mail is in! The mail is in!’. Neither he nor his mother had seen a mail carrier, mail truck, or any activity near the mail boxes. But Oscar was right, it was in! How had he known?”... Oscar is psychic.
JPC: Yeah, he’s psychic.
Adal: He moves stuff with his mind.
JPC: Oscar’s a horse, is mine.
Erin, Adal: [laughing]
JPC: He a horse and horses are smart.
Erin: This is the 1940’s for sure. Everything about this- I got- “My name’s little Oscar, I’m gonna order a toy! I’m gonna die in Vietnam later!”
JPC: [laughing] Wait, what did it say about the noise at the end of the- neither heard nor seen-?
Adal: “Neither he nor his mother had seen a mail carrier, mail truck, or any activity near the mail boxes.” Here’s my favorite part of this: “Oscar had mailed an order form for a wanted toy.”
JPC: Wanted: this toy, so bad that you won’t ever…
Adal: [laughing] “Have you seen this toy?” “Did you say boy?” “No, toy!”
Erin: This toy killed my father. This is a wanted-
Adal: In Vietnam.
JPC: This is a murdering toy.
Erin: [laughing] Okay, so…
JPC: It said “see”, hasn’t seen the truck, so he could’ve heard-
Erin: Or heard.
JPC: -no it didn’t say heard.
Adal: I think I know the answer and it’s not fun.
Erin: Is it that he felt the vibration of it?
JPC: Cus he’s deaf.
Adal: It’s- [laughing]
Erin: Oh man.
JPC: So wait, I think that also the mail comes at the same time every day so he could’ve just been like, “Oh it’s four, the mail’s here.” And then it was…
Adal: That’s better than the answer I had.
JPC: Oh really?
Adal: My answer- my thought is that he sees the flag up, like you know how mailboxes have the little… right?
JPC: Yeah but they’re in an apartment complex.
Adal: [sighs]
JPC: Didn’t it say that?
Erin: He saw someone else go to get the mail.
Adal: No, that’s- that’s your assumption. You assumed somebody named Oscar lives in an apartment complex?
JPC: If a person named Oscar has a house and I’m living in an apartment in real life, I’m gonna be pissed.
Adal: [laughing] They shop at JCPenney for shirts.
JPC: [laughing] If a person named Oscar has it better than me I’m losing my shit.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: Yeah, I think it’s like the flag on the mailbox. I think also the fact that mail comes at the same time almost everyday is a good one.
Erin: Can we hear the hints?
Adal: Maybe the dogs in the neighborhood bark?
Erin: Ohhh.
JPC: Yeah, it could be dog related.
Erin: Or horse related.
JPC: Yeah, maybe the dogs in the neighborhood are horses and they bark.
Adal: [laughing] You know, dogs is horses.
JPC: Maybe a town crier is ringing a big bell in the middle of town and saying, “Mail’s here, mail’s here! Death count in Vietnam!”
Adal: Now how would that sound if the town crier was Jon Cryer?
Erin: [Jon Cryer impression] Mail’s here, mail’s here.
Adal: [laughing] … Do we want some sweet sweet clues?
Erin: I’d love some.
JPC: Yeah, give us the clues to this riddle.
Adal: Okay. “Had Oscar put the order form in the outgoing mail slot next to the mail boxes the previous day after that day’s mail had been delivered? Yes. Did the mail boxes have big pods nearby so that a mail carrier could put a parcel in one of them and the key to that pod is the resident’s mail box? Yes.”
Erin, JPC: What?
JPC: Ya got it! You solved it!
Adal: [laughing] Let me read that again.
JPC: Great pod question.
Erin: Oh my god.
Adal: “Did the mail boxes have big pods nearby so that a mail carrier could put a parcel in one of them and the key to that pod in that resident’s mail box? Yes.”
Erin: Ohh.
Adal: I still don’t know what’s being said here.
JPC: So sometimes for apartment complexes, the mail delivery system, is if the thing is too large to fit in the box they’ll put it in the big receptacle thing and put the key to the receptacle in the mailbox.
Adal: But pods is what I call podcasts cus I’m in the biz.
JPC: Oh, for sure.
Adal: That’s why I’m- wearin’ these cans , speaking into this mikey.
JPC: And since I’m a youth, pods to me means Tide Pods, what we eat for fun and sex.
Erin: And I’m a little baby and so I’ve never even heard the word.
JPC: [laughing] Pods are also those portable storage units that you can buy and live in.
Adal: Mhm. we know JPC is a youth cus he’s wearing a Overwatch hat.
JPC: Yes, I’m like a teen. I’m cool like a teen, I do a smoking.
Adal: [laughing] Last question, uh clue here. “Did Oscar pay particular attention to the pods? Yes.”
Erin: Okay so just, the toy was too big to fit in the mailbox?
Adal: Yeah I feel like he’s gonna see a key or something?
Erin: It was a big ol’ toy.
JPC: He sees right through the pods?
Adal: [sighs] oh boy, I feel like these riddles today are really a disappointment.
JPC: I mean, this is just proof that we don’t know the answers to these riddles ahead of time.
Erin: And that riddles are bad.
Adal: Yeah, if I had known these answers I would not have put these in the show. Here’s the answer: “Oscar knew the procedure for receiving a package by mail. You take the key from your mailbox, unlock the pod, and take the package from the pod. The key stays in the pod door. Only a mail carrier can remove a key from a pod door. When Oscar saw a pod without a key and remembered that the pod had a key on the previous day, he knew that the mail carrier had delivered the day’s mail.”
Erin: I’d like to introduce a new segment-
Adal: God is dead.
Erin: -which is “Better Answer” where we pretend that we are a co-writer in this and we create a better answer?
JPC: Okay, cool so Adal can you read the riddle from the beginning one more time?
Adal: Yeah… Hey guys, you know I was writing that puzzle?
Erin: Mhm.
Adal: It’s “One day earlier, little Oscar had mailed an order form for a wanted toy.” Is that- is “wanted toy”, is that what people say?
Erin: Killin’ it.
JPC: Oh yeah, you know normal human beings say “wanted toy.”
Adal: You guys are the best roommates.
Erin: You can use that, gave me no pause.
JPC: That’s the easiest way to get across-
Adal: Wait.
JPC: -that this is a toy that needs to be desired.
Adal: Did you say that gave you no “pods”?
Erin: Yeah, it gave me no pods.
Adal: Or did you say pause?
Erin: I meant to say pause but I guess I said pods.
Adal: I think I know where to go with this riddle.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: But let me keep reading. “Now he was constantly pestering his mother to let him check the mail. Suddenly, looking out the window of the apartment complex-” oh. Apartment complex.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Someone later on when listening to this is gonna be right when they suggest-
JPC: [laughing] So someone listened?
Adal: Mhm.
JPC: Okay!
Erin: Very cool.
Adal: “He shouted, ‘The mail is in! The mail is in!’. Neither he nor his mother had seen a mail carrier, mail truck, or any activity near the mail boxes. But Oscar-” do I say “meal” wrong, weird?
JPC: No, you say it normal.
Erin: Didn’t give me any pods.
Adal: I eat my mails and deliver meal.
JPC: Yeah, yeah. Wanted toy!
Adal: “or any activity near the mail boxes. But Oscar was right, it was in. How had he known?”
JPC: So this isn’t my puzzle Adal, you're writing it obviously and it’s very good. But the direction I would go with this is the male/mail hominem. So, he says “the mail is in, the mail is in.”
Adal: Meaning a penis has entered him?
JPC: [laughing] well uh, yeah. Yes, and…
Adal: Can I tell you this riddle was for, it was commissioned by Better Homes and Garden. But I think they’ll let some.
JPC: They’ll let some of that slip in. Uh yeah, do with the riddle what you want, but that it my recommendation.
Erin: And this isn’t my puzzle but I would have it be something fun like he heard dogs barking. That’ll be a more satisfying answer and will inspire less rage when someone finds out what it is.
Adal: If you had said horses I would’ve been on board.
Erin: Bummer.
JPC: The one thing you don’t want to do with this puzzle is assume that people have an intricate understanding of the way mail is delivered in apartment complexes. Because that would be fucking insane! Some people have never lived in an apartment complex where an archaic rule for mail delivery is still in place and others, even if they have lived in some apartment complex like that, would not assume that that’s the answer to a puzzle.
Adal: Puzzle number four.
JPC: Great.
Erin: I’m ready.
Adal: “An Italian judge…” [laughing]
Erin: Oh no.
Adal: Why are they specific about his ethnicity?
JPC: Wait, is he a judge in Italy?
Adal: I don’t know.
JPC: Okay, we gotta- I need more-
Adal: That really took me off guard here. “An Italian judge released a guilty man and convicted an innocent man. And as a result, the confectionery industry has greatly benefited. Why?”
JPC: Okay, so he’s an Italian judge.
Erin: They wouldn’t say that-
JPC: They wouldn’t say “Italian judge” if that wasn’t important.
Adal: And I- this is honest to god in the phrasing, this is not something I added for s’s and g’s. This is an actual- “An Italian judge released a guilty man and convicted an innocent man. And as a result, the confectionery industry has greatly benefited. Why?”
JPC: So you didn’t just slip that in?
Adal: I didn’t just slip that-
JPC: Because before we started recording this podcast you did tell me that you were going to be slipping in a lot of ethnicities.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: Well, to be honest the first puzzle, the guy was not gesticulating wildly and violently.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: I just thought that’s something an Italian would do.
JPC: Okay, so this is an Italian judge and the confectionery industry?
Adal: So confectionary is gonna be like, cookies, candies-
JPC: Candies and stuff?
Adal: Yeah. Are candies a confection?
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Okay. So maybe this- what’s the most famous Italian confection?... Cannoli.
JPC: Cannoli, for sure.
Adal: So a guy- one of the guys took the gun, one of the guys took the cannoli. The guy who took the gun goes to jail, the guy who took the cannoli…
Erin: Gelato.
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: Bobby Canivale.
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: Okay, so a guilty man goes free and an innocent man goes to prison.
Adal: Correct. And as a result, the confectionery industry has greatly benefitted. Why? Gelato.
JPC: Gelato. So this is all about that movie Double Jeopardy. So you can’t go to jail twice for committing the same crime. So if you murder your wife and you go to jail for it, if you murder your wife again you can’t go back to jail…. I just saw the movie “Double Jeopardy”
Erin, Adal: [laughing]
Adal: And I was in and out of sleep…. Oh boy. So I think this has something to do-
JPC: Well this one takes the cake. Now, that’s a joke-
Erin, Adal: [laughing]
JPC: -but is it maybe also the answer?
Erin: My favorite thing about when someone tells a joke is that, when they say the joke in the same breath without any pause, they say, “Now that’s a joke”
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: So guilty man was released. So somebody maybe robbed a bakery.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: But he was let go. Because he was let go and because the case was reported about in the local Italian newspapers everyone was like, “Yum yum yum, I’m hungry for cannoli. I was reading about this robber stealing cannoli now I’m hungy for cannoli.”
JPC: Oh, so yeah, it’s news and people are like, “You know what I haven’t had in a while is that cannoli shop.”
Adal: Mhm.
JPC: Yeah that makes sense. That’s not the answer and if it is, I’ll hang myself!
Erin: Wow the stakes are pretty high! [laughing]
Adal: Let’s get some clues here.
Erin: Yes please.
JPC: Please, clues.
Adal: “The Italian judge tried a rebel but released a robber.” The Ital- what does that mean? “The Italian was not in Italy when he made the judgement. The judge, the rebel, and the robber never ate any chocolate.”
Erin: [laughing] What the hell?
JPC: It’s a rebel and a robber.
Erin: A great tv show.
Adal: A judge, James Dean, and the Hamburgler walk into a court.
JPC: Oh my god. This riddle is awful. In that I don’t know-
Erin: Can we make a band called Rebel and Robber?
JPC: I- [laughing]
Erin: [laughing] Shh, everybody shut up this is not important. Rebel Robber, you in?
JPC: Oh I’m in.
Erin: What do you play? [laughing]
JPC: This whole podcast is just about generating IP for other things. We’re all just trying to do more shows.
Adal: I don’t like the idea but I’d sell it to Netflix.
JPC: [laughing] Well so, the other thing that- I brought this up earlier. This Italian judge is not in Italy. So it’s like, I feel like we need to know a famous Italian judge to be able to do- like, is it talking about a specific person?
Adal: Who are the judges we know? Judge Ito, Judge Dredd. Mike Judge.
JPC: So-
Adal: Judge Judy!
Erin: My uncle was a judge.
Adal: What’s his last name?
Erin: Smoot.
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: That could be Italian.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: Erin, don’t make up names.
Erin: I wish it was made up.
JPC: Well this is an Italian judge not in Italy. Mario Batali was a judge on “Iron Chef”. So...
Erin: Well maybe it’s not a-
JPC: It’s not a courtroom.
Erin: It’s not a courtroom.
JPC: It’s a judge of a cooking show.
Adal: Oooh. And a man was guilty of making delicious food.
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: And an Italian judge-
Erin: A robber though.
Adal: “An Italian judge released a guilty man and convicted an innocent man and as a result the confectionery industry has greatly benefitted.” So, Cake Boss.
JPC: It’s Cake Boss. I think it’s what I said earlier which is that it’s Cake Boss.
Adal: Cake Judge.
Erin: Yeah it’s, yeah.
Adal: Here’s the clues again: “The Italian judge tried a rebel but released a robber. The Italian was not in Italy when he made the judgement. The judge, the rebel, and the robber never ate any chocolate.”
Erin: It’s a vanilla based challenge.
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: Okay I honestly, I think I have the answer.
Erin: What is it?
JPC: It’s like a- nope, I don’t have the answer, this is stupid. My thought was that it was a Jesus of Nazareth thing where they released the um-
Adal: Here we go, I just saw the answer and I think you’re right. From the one word I saw, which is Pontius. “The Italian was Pontius Pilate, who released Barabbas and condemned Jesus Christ to die by crucifixion at Easter time. Every year Easter is marked by the sale of millions of chocolate Easter eggs worldwide.”
Erin: [gasps]
JPC: Yep, I got that one. I don’t know, but-
Erin: And I just watched the Live “Jesus Christ Superstar” so this one’s on me.
JPC: Yeah and the crowd was you know, chanting, “Give us Barabbas! Give us Barabbas!” And he was like, “Really, Barabbas? He’s a- [mumbling] he’s a bad guy.”
Adal: Now, again, I’m reading from the Bible.
JPC: Mhm yeah.
Adal: So that makes sense, I should’ve picked up on that.
JPC: Dude I nailed that one at the end-
Adal: Who is-
Erin: Wow!
JPC: -being from the Bible.
Adal: I was raised Muslim.
JPC: Brag.
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: I would’ve loved to be raised Muslim.
Adal: I was raised Muslin-
Erin: I was raised Catholic and should’ve gotten this.
Adal: -by Great Uncle Smoot.
Erin: Yep.
Adal: Who is- so what I mean to say is I’m ignorant to who Barabbas is. Is Barabbas the character from Mortal Kombat with the long metal spikes?
JPC: Long metal spikes, yes.
Erin: Yes.
JPC: So there’s a Jesus versus Barabbas [laughs] in Mortal Kombat. No, the-
Adal: I don’t wanna see that “Finish Him” because that’s gonna be tasteless. So who’s Barabbas?
JPC: It’s less cool than you think. So the story is Pontius Pilate went to Luke Cage. Uh-
Erin: No.
JPC: [laughing] Wait no, not Luke Cage, who’s the- Johnny Cage?
Adal: Johnny Cage.
JPC: Who’s from Mortal Kombat?
Adal: Luke Cage is from Marvel’s The Defenders.
JPC: I, yeah I messed this up. No um, Pontius Pilate said that he would free one person, he would like, pardon one person when Jesus was going up for trial. And the crowd- I can’t remember why the crowd wanted to free Barabbas, is it because the Pharisees had turned everyone against Jesus or something like that?
Erin: Mhm.
JPC: And then he freed Barabbas instead who was like a robber.
Adal: So Barabbas, spelled B-A-R-A-B-B-A-S.
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: -was a robber?
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: So “rob us”, is that like a play on words? Is the Bibe full of wordplay like that?
JPC: Oh yeah, the Bible is full of-
Erin: Mostly puns.
JPC: The Bible is actually, funnily enough, full of Easter eggs.
Erin: Whimsical puns.
JPC: That’s why we call those Easter eggs, is because the-
Adal: Started in the Bible?
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: What are some other puns in the Bible?
JPC: Uh so Easter eggs, umm God- [laughing]
Adal: Isn’t there a part where it says Jesus walked on water but “walked” is W-O-K?
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: He heated up a wok?
JPC: Yeah he um-
Adal: Was making Chinese food.
JPC: Cooked some vegetables, he steamed them in a wok.
Erin: Water into wine, where you get water and then you just whine about it!
JPC: Yeah, it was water into whine.
Erin: [laughing]
JPC: [whining tone] This water’s so dry!
Erin: [laughing]
JPC: Yeah, that’s all from the Bible.
Adal: They put Jesus on the cross and said, “Nailed it!”
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: Nooo!
Adal: Was that one?
Erin: I just felt my mother wake up suddenly right now, she’s like, “I’m sad”
JPC: She’s been in a coma for eight years.
Erin: She’s like, “Why am I sad?”
Adal: “I’m sad because my maiden name is Smoot”
Erin: It is!
Adal: [laughing]
Erin: That is her maiden name.
JPC: Wow Erin, you should go by Smoot.
Erin: I’m so jeal- well, my cousins who are my age, their last name was Smoot and I had to have the last name Kief and I was so jealous of them.
JPC: Damn.
Adal: How many times per year would your uncle put on a suit and start a riot?
Erin: Ex- [laughs]
JPC: Say it. You started this, say it.
Erin: No I won’t.
JPC: I want you to say it you son of a-
Erin: Oh God, I won’t.
JPC: I’ll say it, Smoot Suit Riot. [laughing]
Adal: How do we rank that?
JPC: That puzzle?
Erin: Well, yeah-
JPC: It was clever, the confectionery thing is a big misnomer; Italian judge, you know. It’s like, there was a lot of misdirects in there that actually did make sense at the end but again, kind of requires a specific knowledge of Jesus and Barabbas which, you just didn’t have, Adal.
Erin: Yeah and also I grew up Catholic and I still- that didn’t come to my brain.
Adal: mhm.
Erin: So I don’t think it’s really on the forefront of anybody’s…
JPC: I’m gonna give that one the highest ranking I’ve ever given a puzzle.
Erin: [gasps]
JPC: I’m gonna give it a D+.
Adal: Can I ask something that I- again, I was raised Muslim. Don’t mean to brag, don't mean to be braggadocious. Pontius Pilate is Italian?
JPC: I mean he was Roman, so…
Adal: Okay so, where was this trial taking place? Was this in like, Jerusalem?
Erin: Noo.
JPC: Yes?
Erin: Uhh no.
JPC: Oh god, I don’t know anything about the Bible.
Adal: Cus the Bible- like, Jesus was King of the Jews.
JPC: Yes, so Pontius Pilate was a Roman consulate or whatever. He wasn’t like a locally elected official, he was appointed from whatever the central Roman power was and sent to be like, “I preside over this area.” So that’s why he was judging Jesus.
Erin: Cus he was a threat. So they like, tried to get him on things that weren’t real.
JPC: Yeah, and Pontius Pilate didn’t even want to do this. He would- I think they tried to send him to King Herod and then Herod gets a song.
Erin: [laughing] [singing to the tune of “Herod’s Song (Try It and See)”] The Jesus Christ, he’s the great Jesus Christ.
Adal: And that’s where we get the casinos?
Erin: Learning about you.
JPC: [singing] water into wine.
Erin: [singing] - into wine. [speaking] Into whine!
Adal: Were you raised Catholic? Christian?
JPC: I went to Catholic school for twelve years but I was not- never have been a Catholic. But we did- my brother’s senior year do Jesus Christ Superstar.
Erin: Mmm.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: So that’s how you know-
JPC: So I’m very familiar with this puzzle.
Adal: Did the kid who played Pontius Pilate give an accent?
JPC: uhh, the kid who played Pontius Pilate.. No, Jesus Christ Superstar doesn’t have Pontius Pilate in it, right?
Erin: No it does.
JPC: Does it?
Erin: It does.
Adal: Cus he says “walk across my swimming pool”, right?
JPC: No that’s King Herod.
Erin: That’s King Herod.
JPC: That’s Herod’s song.
Erin: But Pontius Pilate’s in there. He’s like the-
JPC: Does he get a song?
Erin: Yeah, he’s had a few songs.
JPC: What is his song?
Erin: The- he’s the one who’s like, I- this is not- he’s like, screaming all the time? That’s the whole show. He has songs-
JPC: Simon Zealotes? [singing] Why would you want to know why you in love with fighting?
Erin: I just like when Mary Magdalene sings.
Adal: There’s one-
JPC: Oh yeah.
Adal: I just made up a-
JPC: What’s the happs- what’s the happening.
Adal: I just made up a riddle.
JPC: -a good musical. Shut up Ad-
Adal: [laughs]
JPC: Erin and I are doing musicals.
Erin: [singing] Sleep and I shall soothe you ba doo doo doo.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: I just made up a riddle.
JPC: Okay.
Erin: Yes.
Adal: Here we go. There’s one Italian man dead in a cabin.
Erin: Oh my god.
Adal: [laughing]
Erin: He’s an Italian pilot.
JPC: No, the doctor’s his mother.
Adal: [laughing] It’s a Pontius pilot.
Erin: He’s a horse.
Adal: Let’s go to our- this is a listener submitted riddle. You can always submit riddles or puzzies to us.
JPC: Not always.
Erin: And puddles.
JPC: Eventually you’ll die, like we all will.
Adal, Erin: [laughing]
Adal: You can send those to hrrpodcast@gmail.com, you can also follow us on twitter @HeyRiddleRiddle spelled like it sounds.
JPC: And if you have workplace disputes you can send those to HRpodcast@gmail.com, I’ll be answering all of your workplace queries and sickies- dating in the workplace, navigating all of that.
Erin: And if you want to text my uncle to make fun of his name, his number is 781.
JPC: That was his-
Erin: That’s it.
JPC: [laughing] That was his varsity number.
Adal: And you can piece from this episode, there’s enough clues scattered about like breadcrumbs in the forest ground.
JPC: Just say Easter eggs.
Adal: There’s Easter eggs.
Erin: He was captain of the Yale football team.
Adal: Of the what football team?
Erin: [in a Boston accent] The Yale ever heard of it, you fuckin loser. Gawd you’re garbage.
Adal: I haven’t cus I was raised Muslim. This is from David F., David sent us a riddle that I’ve never heard before. I know the answer to this one so it’s just for you two.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: But I’ve never heard this one before but it gets pretty dark. Here we go. “A captain and three of his crewmates are the only survivors of a shipwreck. They are adrift on their lifeboat for many days until one of the crew dies of exposure. The other two crew use their cutlasses to poke holes through him so his corpse will sink and not attract sharks. Soon the rest are starving. One morning when the captain wakes up, one more crew member has died and sunk. The remaining one is cooking over a very small fire. ‘Captain! An albatross landed for long enough to be killed! We have food!’ The meat, they agree, is the best they have ever tasted. And luckily, soon after they are rescued. Many years later the captain hears about a restaurant serving albatross.” That’s- not a thing that happens. “He goes there and orders-” [laughing]
JPC: Is it Florida? [laughing]
Adal: “He goes there and orders it but after taking one mouthful, he leaves, goes home, and kills himself. Why?”
Erin: Cus he realises that he ate a person.
JPC: The thing is I’ve heard this one before.
Adal: Really?
JPC: Yeah, this is one that I’ve heard before. But I don’t remember it being so easy to solve, I-
Erin: Who sent this?
Adal: This is from David F.
JPC: I feel like there’s an extra line in there that makes it very obvious that he ate a person.
Adal: Uh so it says- probably the part where they poked holes in the dead guy and he sunk to the ocean floor?
JPC: I don’t know, just like, the whole situation where the captain wakes up and he’s like, “Captain, bad news. Somebody died, you’ll never find his body cus we did the hole thing that we’ve been doing! You know, the hole thing!”
Adal: [laughing]
JPC: “Also, also new story.”
Erin: [laughing] Period. End of that story.
JPC: “End of that story, new story”
Erin: Do you want a coffee? New story.
JPC: “New story. An albatross landed. Killed it, plucked all the feathers, and I’m cooking it!”
Adal: Well that’s great news, but where is Albert Batross?
Erin: No.
JPC: [laughing] “No that was the old story. So anyway, eat this thing.”
Adal: But where’s the crew member Albert Batross?
JPC: But here’s my question. If- even if you had to eat a person to survive and they’re dead, let’s say the person dies, you’re in a plane crash situation, the person dies.
Erin: Yep.
JPC: Would you like, kill yourself later because you’re like, you ate- I guess he’s killing himself because he thought he didn’t eat a person and then he realized he just did eat a person.
Adal: Yeah, so the full answer is, “When he tastes the albatross at the restaurant the albatross tastes nothing like he remembers. This makes him realise that he ate his friend.” But if you ate your friend to survive, who was already dead, you wouldn’t-
JPC: Yeah well, the other guy killed him.
Erin: Talking from someone who wouldn’t recover from that, I get it.
Adal: That brings us to a little segment [sighs] called Roleplaying. Let’s have Erin, you’re the captain of a ship.
Erin: Oh sure.
Adal: And JPC you’re gonna be someone who murdered a crewmate and is now cooking that crew member and you’re trying to convince the captain that it’s something else.
JPC: Okay gotcha.
Adal: And sunup.
[ship noises]
Erin: Good morning!
[ship noises stop]
Adal: I’ll assume sun cus this is at sea?
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Sunup on the sea.
[ship noises]
JPC: [pirate voice] Arrr mornin’ captain.
Erin: Good morning.
JPC: How did you sleep?
Erin: Oh, not bad. I miss my best friend though, where is he? Where’s my best friend?
JPC: Oohh story about that, you know how Kevin was always a-
Adal: Thank you.
JPC: -horny little rascal.
Erin: Was?
JPC: Well, late last night, a shark jumped into the boat and he was so horny he thought-
Erin: How horny was he?
JPC: Thank you for the setup captain. He said, “I’ll make love to that shark’s mouth.” Well that shark tore him piece for piece so we did the thing that we do, which is to cut a little hole into- Hey! Do you like bacon?
Erin: I do! Is this related to the story you were just telling just now?
JPC: Oh hush up captain, you’ve drank sea water and you’re crazy!
Adal: We see blood smeared across the deck.
JPC: That’s- nasty shark. Anywho’d’ll [laughing] I just-
Erin: Let me get this straight. Kevin - My best friend - got so horny-
JPC: Yes.
Erin: -he decided to have sex with a shark’s mouth.
JPC: For sure.
Erin: And now there’s blood- his blood?
JPC: Why didn’t I just kill you?
Adal: Scene.
[ship noises stop]
Adal: Expertly executed.
JPC: [laughing] Would you guys eat a person?
Erin: [sighs] No, ughh okay.
JPC: You would never eat a person?
Erin: I’d eat you and I’d feel nothing.
JPC: [laughing] That’s what I wanted.
Adal: Is it that this person is dead or is it like they carve off like-
JPC: You pick the scenario. Okay so this person, you’re in a plane crash, a person dies and it’s just a dead person now, do you eat a person to survive?
Adal: If you have to, right?
Erin: Ugh no no, cus like most meat, if someone else prepares it for me, maybe. But if I’m doing it no. I get sick just cutting meat like I just- ugh.
JPC: I’m a vegetarian and I think I probably would.
Adal: If it came down to survival.
JPC: If it’s about your survival.
Adal: I feel like everyone would, yeah, everyone would.
JPC: If it’s been like three hours since I haven’t had any food, yes.
Adal: I’d eat a person.
Erin: [laughing] I’m confident that in any emergency scenario I would be the first to die. So eat me, that’s fine. I’m gone first- I slipped, I fall, I make the mistake, I go into the spooky house first.
Adal: What if we’re on a road trip, I order Jack In The Box, I take a bite. Not great.
Erin, JPC: [laughing]
Adal: I turn and look at you.
Erin: Well I have the diet of a sick bird so I probably won’t taste very good.
Adal: A vulture.
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: I’ll never forget the first time my dad took me to Jack In The Box.
Adal: Great story.
JPC: [laughing] He was like, “Have you ever been to Jack In The Box?” I was like, “No,” we went to Jack In The Box he ordered- Jack In The Box used to have those tacos like, two for 99 cent tacos. He ordered the taco, he took one bite, drove home, killed himself.
Adal: [laughing] This has been Hey Riddle Riddle.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: I’m Adal Rifai, you can check out- I have other podcasts, Hello From the Magic Tavern, Siblings Peculiar, you can also catch all three of us, myself, JPC, and occasionally Erin in the show Whirled New Tonight at iO Theater. JPC, anything to plug?
JPC: Yeah, if you’re in Chicago you can check out Devil’s Daughter at the iO Theater at Tuesday nights 10:30. You can also follow One Shot RPG on Twitch, I have a show every Thursday night at 7:00, it’s a livestream where we play the board game Gloomhaven. And then I also do the Campaign Podcast on the One Shot network as well. Check that out if you’re a nerd.
Erin: I am not a nerd and so if you’re young and cool like me check out Wet Bus at the iO Theater every Friday at 10:30. It’s very fun. The show is called Oh Hell Yeah.
JPC: Erin, since you’re not a nerd you should also every week tell us what the good party is for this weekend.
Erin: Oh, the cool party and this is what’s happening. Alright if you walk around downtown and you hear like, some music that’s just like, “Mmm da da mm da dah daahh” Enya. And then-
JPC: [laughing]
Erin: Follow the music, it’s a very cool party where it’s just me standing with my eyes closed.
Adal: On the porch.
Erin: Out of focus.
Adal: Yeah with glow sticks.
Erin: [laughing]
Adal: At noon.
Erin: That’s the cool party. I’m young and cool. I’m the youngest person on this podcast, I’m the youngest person. Thanks for listening, I’m the youngest.
JPC: [laughing]
Arne: This has been Hey Riddle Riddle created by Adal Rifai starring Erin Kief and John Patrick Coan. KJ Snyder did the editing and Arne Parrot did the music. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. Logo created by Emily Kardamis and Emmaline Morris. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle.
Rose: That was a Headgum podcast.