Episode 1: Stuck in the Riddle With You | Next Episode >
Rose: This is a Headgum podcast.
Arne: [singing] The doctor was the mother, he stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish, the bear is white, ‘cause it’s the North Pole. He stabbed him with an icicle, and the horse was named Friday. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle.
Adal: This is Hey Riddle Riddle, the podcast where we dive into riddles, into puzzles, we do a mental “escape the room” for you to play along with at home to try and solve in your own mindscape, in your own brain space. I'm Adal Rifai, I'm joined by two of the fucking funniest people I know that I could think to get on this podcast, Mr John Patrick Coen,
JPC: Hello, hello.
Adal: And Ms Erin Keif.
Erin: Hello!
Adal: Just one hello?
Erin: Hello hello hello hello.
Adal: Four hellos?
JPC: I'd love to do mine again.
Adal: Mr John Patrick Coen!
JPC: Hello! Hello-hello-hello! Hello-hello.
Adal: We have a winner!
Erin: I can do mine again?
Adal: Erm...
Erin: Good morning!
Adal: That's a totally different intro...
JPC: I'm fine with that, it doesn't infringe on my IP, so, good morning’s cool.
Adal: I, personally, am obsessed with– since I was a little baby boy, I've been obsessed with riddles, with puzzles, love crosswords, any sort of brain exercises. I used to get those– I think there was a thing called "Brain Games" that was for kids, where it's like, different ages, ten through fifteen, and there's like, little puzzles, and whatnot.
JPC: Oh, I remember those, yeah. I haven't thought about those in a long time.
Adal: But I think they were, there was like a peg in the middle, it was like long strips of paper–
JPC: Yeah, and you’d like, fold them out.
Adal: –with a peg, and then you’d fold them out, like you fan them outwards. But I really enjoy those, I’m obsessed with escape rooms– I think I’ve done escape rooms with both of you.
Erin: Mhm.
JPC: I’ve done multiple escape rooms with you.
Adal: I will say, I wanted to this podcast just because I was like “what do I– what’s a podcast I wanna hear?” And I wanna walk around and like, try and solve riddles. I will say, I hate trivia, ‘cause trivia you either know or you don’t, versus like a riddle, if you have enough time and enough brain power you can like, suss out the answer? Kinda? For the most part?
JPC: Sure, sure, yeah.
Adal: And I hate logic problems. Logic problems being where–
Erin: [laughing]
JPC: Wait, wait. I feel like that’s half of what a riddle is?
Adal: Well, logic problems are like–
JPC: “I hate words, and I hate emotions, but that’s why I love riddles.”
Adal: Does that make sense? But logic problems are where it’s like; “There’s ten people in a family. Susie is third oldest. Adam is two behind Susie.”
JPC: Oh, you hate math homework.
Adal: That’s what it is!
Erin: See, I think I maybe don’t like riddles ‘cause I love problems like that.
Adal: Really?
Erin: I love math word problems.
Adal: Oh, I despise those.
JPC: I like story word problems, where it has like; “Susie is this”, and, y’know, and–
Adal: That’s the example I just gave!
JPC: –yeah, now what’s like, if all that is true–
Adal: Can you choose a different name, besides Susie? ‘Cause that’s the exact one I just did.
JPC: What other women’s names are there?
Adal: Erin, do you know any others?
Erin: No, I can’t think of any off the top of my head.
Adal: Susie it is!
JPC: Susie it is. There’s Susie and there’s Kevin. Anyone who comes to me with anything differently is wrong. Boys are Kevins and girls are Susies. I will die on this hill. But, the word problems that I like are like; “If all this is true, how old is Mark?” and it’s like, ugh. That wasn’t part of the information. But I do– I’m a riddle fan as well. I feel like–
Adal: Would you call yourself a Riddle Head?
JPC: No. And, anyone who called me that would get killed!
Erin: I didn’t want to tell you this before, because I like to be included, I’m usually not a riddle person, they sometimes make me really mad ‘cause I don’t like when people celebrate how clever they are.
Adal: So, in the months leading up to this recording when I said “Erin, I think you’re great, would you enjoy solving riddles?”
Erin: And then I said “Now’s the time to lie!” And then I lied. And then I went “I’m just going for the company.” But, you changed my mind.
Adal: I appreciate you being honest when there’s no chance of repercussion.
Erin: Yep.
JPC: So, so, it’s really interesting that we’re doing this now, though, ‘cause Erin hates riddles, you love riddles, and I thought riddles were a different thing until earlier today. So, we’re all kind of learning at our own pace, here, so I think that we have a very interesting bevy of opinions about riddles coming in.
Adal: I feel like “Learning at our Own Pace” would’ve been a good name. We decided on “Hey Riddle Riddle”. Here are some other ones that I tossed out, that JPC– John Patrick Coen, who will hereby be known as JPC– and Erin shot down.
JPC: Hello, hello. Hello-hello-hello.
Erin: Good morning.
Adal: “Riddle Miss Muffet”, we said no to.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: “Chronicles of Riddle”.
JPC: Should we say real quick, why we hate all of these, or?
Adal: No.
JPC: Is it enough to know that we didn’t like them.
Adal: Just let them wash over you. “Chronicles of Riddle”.
JPC: I did like that one.
Erin: Yeah, that’s fine.
Adal: I think that was yours. “Riddle Miss Riddle Miss Riddle Miss Can’t Be Wrong”.
JPC: God!
Erin: I wanna type that out, or write that out.
Adal: “Fuzzy Puzzy was a Puzzle”.
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: “Stuck in the Riddle with You”. “Malcolm in the Riddle”. “Enigmama’s Family”.
Erin: I think I liked “Stuck in the Riddle with You”. I don’t know why that got shut down.
JPC: Erm, what about “The Riddle by Jimmy Eat World”? Great album.
Adal: Great album. So, I thought what we might do is we might start off with kind of a lightning round.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: If that makes sense. Does that make sense? A lightning round?
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Just to kind of, warm up our brains, get the gears going. These are gonna be ones that I already know the answer to, so it’s mostly to warm you two up, ‘cause I came in prepped.
JPC: Oh, so you’ve been hot for days?
Adal: I’ve been hot for days. Put a week on it. So, I don’t need warming up, but these’ll be the only ones I know the answers to.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: The rest of the riddles posed during this podcast, I will not know the answers to.
Erin: And, do you think that people will stop listening when we don’t get any of these?
Adal: Erm, I think they’ll keep checking in? Just to see if we use any other names besides Kevin and Susie.
JPC: I think we’re all presupposing that people have begun to listen to this. Which is an unfair thing to do.
Erin: Good point.
Adal: If you’re listening, pause right now. Wait! Don’t…
JPC: Aw, dude. Well, there it goes.
Adal: Shit, shit, shit. Now we have to wait for them to press play again!
JPC: Yeah, okay.
Adal: Oh, you’re back!
JPC: Oh, thank God.
Adal: In just a moment, you’re gonna pause. Pat yourself on the back for listening. Go ahead and do that now.
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: And they’re back.
JPC: And we’re back.
Adal: So, let’s warm up with some of these. I’ll maybe give you– I’m not gonna have a literal timer but I’ll gonna give you maybe fifteen to twenty seconds to solve these.
JPC: Gotcha.
Adal: Our very first one, this is just a warmup.
JPC: Erin’s eyes are closed right now.
Adal: I noticed, I didn’t wanna comment on that.
JPC: She’s so ready to do this.
Erin: I can only focus on one sense at a time. Right now, it’s–
JPC: It’s talking.
Erin: –mouth.
JPC: Mouth?
Erin: It’s mouth.
Adal: Mouth is not a sense, here we go! First one: there are seven birds in a tree. A hunter shoots one bird down. How many birds are left in the tree?
Erin: ...It’s not six.
JPC: Why not?
Erin: Because Adal hates math!
JPC: Yeah, Adal doesn’t like math, so he wouldn’t give us six.
Adal: A lot of the riddles I enjoy are lateral thinking? Like, lateral problems?
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: So, this might fall under that umbrella.
JPC: Okay. Ladders have rungs.
Erin: Wait, can you read it one more time? I’m so sorry.
Adal: There are seven birds in a tree. A hunter shoots one bird down. How many birds are left in the tree?
Erin: Oh, seven.
Adal: ...Why?
Erin: ‘Cause, you didn’t say he shot one of the birds in the tree down.
Adal: Okay. JPC, do you have a…
Erin: Oh! The sound would–
Adal: Nope, too late.
Erin: The sound would be loud and they’d fly!
JPC: I mean, that’s the impression that I got? But–
Adal: This isn’t a Mighty Mighty Bosstones recording.
JPC: Wow. What a reference. Uh, yeah, so I would say six birds left in the tree. Because, a real hunter uses a bow and arrow, because a gun is a coward’s instrument. So, it would not make a sound, it would take the bird down, and he would be free to hunt the rest of his prey.
Adal: Once again, this is a political podcast; Hey Riddle Riddle, coming to you about gun control.
Erin: Very Serial.
JPC: I’m from Indiana, and I have an uncle that’s a hunter, and he’s like, “Real hunters don’t use guns. Real hunters use bows and arrows.” So–
Adal: Is he... a caveman?
JPC: I have no more information about this man. What’s the answer?
Erin: Zero.
Adal: The answer is none, because the rest of them got scared and flew away, so I would give that to Erin. Not that we’re keeping track, but I am keeping a mental tally.
JPC: Okay, I’m gonna put a big asterisk by this, because of the cowardly hunter. Didn’t mention that the hunter was a coward.
Adal: This might be one–
Erin: Just a quick update, I’m mad that it wasn’t six, ‘cause I like math.
JPC: Alright, lightning round.
Adal: This is one you might– [laughing] That’s three minutes on the first question of the lightning round. This might be one you’ve heard before. A plane crashes directly on the border of US and Canada. Where do they bury the survivors?
JPC: I know this one, so I’m going to abstain from answering, and let Erin make an absolute fool of herself.
Erin: Uh– I– why is– they didn’t say anyone died?
Adal: ...A plane crashes directly on the border of the US and Canada. Where do they bury the survivors?
Erin: I don’t know.
Adal: I think you’re onto it.
Erin: … They, didn’t bury– there’s– nowhere.
JPC: Can I blow your mind?
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: You don’t bury survivors.
Adal: Damn!
Erin: Oh, my head hurts.
JPC: That’s what a cowardly hunter would say.
Erin: Oh, I’m gonna get a nosebleed in seven minutes. I’m gonna– in seven minutes…
JPC: Erin’s face just starts gushing blood when we start doing the answers to these riddles.
Adal: Here we go, one more.
JPC: Gotcha.
Adal: Why did the ice cream truck break down?
JPC: Why did the ice cream truck break down? So, this is a pun, correct? I believe the answer to this is a pun?
Adal: I’m not gonna say yes or no.
JPC: Because the driver wasn’t in very good humour?
Erin: Kevin?
JPC: Yeah. Well, wait a second. You think ice cream truck drivers have to be men? Check your privilege at the door.
Adal: Speaking of, we’ll toss out– since this is the first episode, let’s toss out the holy trinity of riddles.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: To me, the Beatles of riddles would be the Sphinx riddle. Do you both know that?
Erin: What is that?
Adal: The Sphinx riddle is “What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night”. That’s the Beatles of riddles.
JPC: Yeah. Well, that is the John of riddles.
Adal: I feel like it’s the whole band.
JPC: Oh, okay. I thought there were more coming. Didn’t you say there were three?
Adal: Mhm.
Erin: He’s about to be like, the Beach Boys of riddles.
Adal: The next–
JPC: I was going to go with the joke that there are three of them, and that we just don’t do a Ringo.
Adal: Oh, okay. I’d be on board with that. But, no, this whole riddle would be the Beatles. Do you know the answer?
Erin: No.
Adal: The answer is man; in the morning it’s a baby, it walks on four legs– barring any abnormalities.
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: In the evening it’s on two legs, which is when you’re an upright adult, and in the night, it’s three legs because you walk with a cane.
Erin: Oh.
Adal: That’s a lot of assumptions that they’re making with that riddle, and also, morning evening night doesn’t necessarily map onto years and age.
JPC: Yeah, and much like the Beatles, it doesn’t hold up to any scrutiny.
Adal: But, the Sphinx was kind of a scamp, so–
JPC: I think we can all agree that Oasis just took what the Beatles did and improved upon it sevenfold.
Erin: Yep. And like that riddle, everyone knows what that is.
Adal: The Rolling Stones of the Holy Trinity of riddles would be– “A father and son are in a car accident. The father dies. The son is brought into the hospital. The doctor looks down at the son and says “I can’t operate on this boy; he’s my son.” How is that possible?”
Erin: That doctor’s name is Kevin, and only men can be doctors.
JPC: Yeah, and only men can. So that’s a Kevin/Susie situation. So that’s a classic Kevin and Susie.
Adal: That’s Rolling Stones, because it’s a little bit darker, little more maudlin.
JPC: Oh, yeah.
Adal: Mhm. Little more macabre. And the third one would be, like, maybe the Elvis of riddles? And that would be– “A man rides in a town on Tuesday, stays for two days, rides out on Friday. How is that possible?” “A man rides in a town on Tuesday, stays for two days, rides out on Friday.”
JPC: Oh, I know this one.
Erin: I don’t know it.
JPC: “Tuesday” and “Friday” are both popular names for horses. So, he rode in on a horse named Tuesday, had the horse shot, ate the horse–
Erin: Turned it to glue.
JPC: –with a bow and arrow. Ate the horse for two days– feast– and then bought a new horse named Friday. Rode out.
Adal: Erm, the man was a time traveller, is what the answer is. That’s how that works.
Erin: No.
Adal: So, those are the Holy Trinity. What riddle were we on?
JPC: That’s on you, bro. It was the third of your Riddle Master riddles.
Adal: Oh– “Why did the ice cream truck break down?” Another classic riddle.
Erin: I don’t know this.
JPC: And I don’t know either, and I assume it’s mechanical failure. I know that I drove a refrigerated box truck when I was in college– I delivered ice, and they are prone to a lot of mechanical failures.
Adal: The answer– and this is the dumbest riddle I could find, anywhere– the answer is “‘cause it had a bad day”.
Erin: That– I was gonna say that as a joke, and I went, “I won’t insult everyone’s intelligence.”
JPC: So, are some riddles jokes?
Erin: ‘Cause I don’t like jokes.
JPC: I don’t. I will get ahead of that now, I don’t like jokes.
Erin: Unless they’re math.
Adal: We all agree we don’t like jokes?
Erin: Okay.
JPC: Erin, why was six afraid of seven?
Erin: Because seven ate nine. And if you add all those numbers up–
JPC: That’s a riddle.
Erin: That’s a riddle.
JPC: Okay, so we’re on the right page.
Adal: So, we’re warmed up? We’re feeling good?
Erin: Yes.
JPC: Yes.
Adal: Great, so let’s get to the– that was the appetiser, that was a sweet, sweet app’, maybe some mozz’ sticks, and some marinara.
JPC: Oh, so we’re comparing this to a meal?
Adal: Oh yeah.
JPC: Gotcha.
Adal: And, this’ll be the last supper.
JPC: Cheque, please.
Adal: So, let’s get to the meat portion of the show. We’ll get into our first riddle. This is one– again, I’ll mention I don’t know the answer to, none of us know the answer to. Erin is asleep again.
Erin: I need to focus!
JPC: Her eyes close when the focus happens.
Adal: Here we go, first riddle. And this is going to be a bit of a story. It starts off– “Hey Pop, can I have some money?” asked Dana. “The Electric Earsplitters are giving a concert here in town next week, and I really want to hear it.” His father put down the television listings, turned off the T.V, and firmly declined. “But that’s my favourite group!” protested Dana. “I wanna buy tickets real fast, so I can hear them perform as soon as possible.”
“If that’s what’s most important to you,” replied the father “then you won’t need any tickets.” Explain.
JPC: Hm, okay. So, we have a lot of pieces of information in this. This is a story riddle, and this is one of my favourite types of riddles. I’ve just learnt that this is a type of riddle, and it’s already an immediate frontrunner as one of my favourites.
Adal: Climbed the charts, climbed the Billboard Hot 100. So, one thing I want to mention. We have to assume the Electric Earsplitters are– in this universe, that this story takes place in– are like the Beatles.
JPC: So, they’re a second-rate band, and there’s an oasis of bands out there that’re just far superior?
Adal: Just waiting to–
JPC: Okay, so this world is presupposing– why don’t they just use normal names, like Kevin and Susie, and why don’t they just use normal band names, like the Rolling Stones? Unless, the Electric Earsplitters, is that like, maybe that’s a way– that’s like a, there’s like a phrase in the name of that band that will be important to the riddle.
Adal: Here’s some other things to point out. His father put down the television listings, so this is taking place at a time where people probably had TV Guides?
JPC: Okay.
Erin: Okay.
Adal: Because, nobody holds a television listing unless you’re holding a fucking TiVo, right?
JPC: Yeah. I grew up in a time when TV Guides was still a thing.
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: So this is– this could be like–
Erin: I remember getting them in the mail, and then circling what I was gonna watch. I’m far younger than the two of you, but I am still old.
JPC: 90s? 2000s? Far younger.
Adal: Let’s go ‘round and list our age. I’m 27.
Erin: You know, you–
JPC: I just turned 22. I’m a li’l baby.
Erin: Then, I guess I’m in the middle, ‘cause I’m 26.
Adal: And, Dana says– Dana, this one says “I want to buy tickets real fast, so I can hear them perform as soon as possible”. So, one, Dana’s dumb as shit–
JPC: [laughing]
Adal: –because the sooner you buy tickets doesn’t mean the sooner you get to hear the band, right? You could buy tickets for a band the night of, and you still hear them at the same time that you would hear them if you bought the tickets a year in advance.
JPC: Now, the only advantage to buying tickets early is so the tickets don’t sell out, so you can actually go see the show that you wanna see. So this kid– we don’t even know it’s a kid. Could be a full-grown adult man living with his father. Which, with how stupid he is, we have to assume that that’s the case.
Erin: Right.
Adal: He also could just be terrified of scalpers; doesn’t wanna pay the up fee, the charge.
JPC: And, he shouldn’t have to. Scalpers are a plague, they’re the cowards of modern ticket buying.
Erin: They’re the Beatles of modern ticket buying. I think that– I sense– and this is just my gut– I sense that there’s at least two intentional–
Adal: For people listening, I should let everyone know that Erin stood up, lifted up her shirt, and says “This is just my gut”.
Erin: And this is my elbow, and this is my knee! But, I think that there’s two intentional distractions.
Adal: Okay?
Erin: At least, in this. And, it feels like the band name is an intentional distraction.
Adal: The Electric Earsplitters.
JPC: What does the dad say at the end? He says–
Adal: He says– “If that’s what’s most important to you, then you won’t need any tickets”. Sounds like the dad’s gonna kill the son.
JPC: It sounds like he’s gonna, and honestly the dad’s tone sounds like he’s about to teach him a religious lesson of some sort, like– “Look at the footprints! The tickets were with you the whole time”. By the way, footprints is one of my favourite riddles. I think I’m doing this right.
Adal: I don’t know how–
JPC: But, he says “You won’t need the tickets, if that’s what you want, you won’t need the tickets”.
Adal: Maybe he was looking on the television listings, and saw that the Electric Earsplitters were gonna be on Carson that night?
Erin: Oh.
JPC: Oh, yeah!
Adal: So, the dad’s like, “You don’t need these tickets, ‘cause you’re about to see them “live”– quote unquote– on Carson”.
JPC: Yeah. If that’s the case, then I’m really mad at the riddle.
Adal: And, by Carson, I mean Carson Daly.
JPC: Yes, ‘cause this is like, ‘96, right?
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: Yeah. If that’s the case, I’m mad at the riddle, because that’s not the same thing as seeing a band live in concert, and that dad– albeit a Christian– should know that.
Adal: Here’s a question I wanna pose to the two of you. What do we think the Electric Earsplitters biggest hits are?
Erin: Oh, really good question.
JPC: So, they are trance rap, right?
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: Trap, please.
JPC: I refuse to call it by that term.
Adal: We’re all so overly familiar with trance rap, we can comfortably call it “trap”.
JPC: We can call it– it’s “trap”. It’s trap music.
Erin: It sounds violent, just, “ow, ow, we’re hurting your head in real time”.
JPC: Electric Earsplitters sounds like– another reason I’m painting the dad this way– it sounds like the name that like, a Christian dad would make up for a rock band he thought of.
Adal: Yeah, Electric Earsplitters are like, “Satan’s Coven”. Something that’s like, they’re afraid of, y’know?
JPC: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Erin: My son listens to that music, there’s not one brass instrument playing at all!
JPC: Eh, my son’s into that “Noise Pollution Lunatics” band
Adal: Give me Irving Berlin! Let’s see here, do we want– so we have some clues available to us.
Erin: Love a clue.
JPC: We have clues?
Adal: We have clues if we want them.
JPC: Okay, yeah, I want clues.
Adal: Or we can sprint straight to the answer.
JPC: I’m clueless right now, so I would love clues. I think that you’re closest to the, y’know, they’re gonna be on T.V, ‘cause he was looking at T.V listings. That part makes sense.
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: But, the son says “I wanna go to the concert”. Which doesn’t track. Here’s what I love about the clues, before we get into them. They’re presented in Q&A form, so versus– the first clue is: “Was the father telling the truth? Yes”, versus just saying “The dad was not lying”.
JPC: Yeah, yeah.
Adal: I like that they give us a bit of Q&A, to make us feel dumb.
Erin: I’m gonna guess that on every riddle from now on: “they’re lying”.
JPC: Oh, yeah, one of the characters is a liar–
Adal: Was the father telling the truth?
JPC: –some of the basic information is wrong.
Erin: That wasn’t the name of the band at all. It’s not his real dad.
Adal: Everyone in riddles are just habitual liars.
JPC: “Was it a dream? Yes.” Well–
Adal: What do you want from us? So: “Was the father telling the truth? Yes. Did he intend to keep Dana from hearing the concert? No.” So, now we know it’s not religiously motivated.
JPC: Okay, yeah, that’s true.
Adal: So, he’s a good papi. He’s a good dad.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: “Is it significant that Father was reading–” I like that we just started calling him Father.
JPC: Oof, and it’s religious again.
Adal: Oh, wait what book is– it’s the Bible!
JPC: It’s one of the Bible riddles, papa.
Erin: With the footprints.
Adal: I can’t put this book down. “Is it significant that Father was reading the T.V listings at the time? Yes.”
Erin: Oh, you nailed it, then.
JPC: Then, I think you got it. I think you nailed it.
Adal: But, can we–
JPC: Can we look up the answer to this riddle?
Adal: We can right now, should I?
JPC: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think your guess is right on the money.
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: Great, so, here’s the answer. It takes up half a page, which I’m not thrilled about, but here we go– “The father had noticed the planned live concert, and noticed that it was also to be on television.”
Erin: Mhm.
Adal: “Microphones would be a few feet from the performers, and would capture the sound for television transmission.” So, not only is that the answer, but they’re also letting us know how T.V works?
Erin: And how sound works?
Adal: Which is really generous of this book.
JPC: When was this book published?
Adal: Erm, 1912.
Erin: Each answer is like– “Let me start over–”
Adal: An ithode tube would–
Erin: Music!
JPC: Anyways–
Adal: “The audience– potentially including Dana– would be farther from the performers than the microphones would be. Sound travels at about 800 feet per second. Television waves– and the electric currents they create in response to them– travel over a million times faster than sound.”
JPC: Mhm.
Adal: “The father correctly figured that the television audience would hear the performers sooner than the live audience, for there would be less delay while sound waves travel a short distance on microphones and from T.V speakers to viewers, than while sounds waves travel the full distance from performers to the live audience.” The difference is only a fraction of a second, but the father was a sociopath.
JPC: Cool, yeah, okay. I wanna introduce a new segment on this show, called “Here’s what pisses me off about that riddle”. It wasn’t just, like, “It’s gonna be on T.V, that’s the answer to the riddle”. They had to give us all that bullshit about, like, sound waves, and getting to the concert. Ugh, boy, oh, boy…
Adal: We got tricked into learning.
JPC: I feel like I got tricked into learning, and I caught it early, because when the learning started happening, I tuned out. I immediately went red with rage for having listened to learning.
Adal: We should’ve picked up on the fact that Dana yelled to his dad “I wanna buy tickets real fast, so I can hear them perform as soon as possible”. That should’ve been a red flag, because nobody talks like that. No teenage kid says “I wanna hear a band as soon as possible. I wanna buy tickets real fast”.
Erin: Mhm, especially with that voice.
JPC: Well, so Dana is a robot.
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: That’s obvious–
Adal: Mhm.
JPC: –because that’s an anagram of Data Analysis Neuron Automaton.
Adal: D.A.N.A?
JPC: D.A.N.A!
Erin: I want to be able to be the first person at the concert to hear the sound.
Adal: Not in an enjoyable way, in a mathematical way.
Erin: I am a Teenage Boy..
Adal: Papa, can you save me a fraction of a second?
JPC: Father, can you fix me a glass of oil before bed? Oh, boy. Alright, so, my rating on that riddle is D.
Erin: See, this is going to be my problem with every riddle, is like, I imagine the person who wrote it, and they put their pen down, and they go– “nailed it”.
Adal: Just the biggest shit-eating grin, they’re so smug.
Erin: Oh, yeah. “God, I’m great at my job”.
Adal: Absolutely nailed it. Should we move on to number two?
Erin: Yes.
JPC: I think we should probably move on to number two.
Adal: Here we go– “A man called the woman he loved and she cursed at him, and hung up angrily. Why was he happy?” “A man called the woman he loved and she cursed at him, and hung up angrily. Why was he happy?”
Erin: ‘Cause he got to talk to the woman he loved?
JPC: I mean–
Erin: And, something’s better than nothing?
Adal: So, you– in this scenario, they were together.
Erin: Mhm.
Adal: They split up. He still loves her; it’s unrequited.
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: And, he should’ve lost that number.
Erin: Yep.
Adal: There’s maybe a restraining order in progress, and, just the fact that he got to talk to her made his day. Made him happy.
Erin: Yeah. He’s like, “Ah, I love her so much that anything’s better than nothing at all”.
Adal: I’m gonna say that he called her, that they were husband and wife, that he called her, he does love her, but, because he loves her, he sets her free. So, he basically calls to say “I want a divorce”, but, he’s happy because he got to fulfil that idiom of “If you love someone, set them free”.
JPC: Cool. I have two different answers, and I don’t know which one to go with. Says that she cursed at him, and he hung up happy.
Adal: Mhm.
JPC: So, not to be crass, but, he calls her–
Adal: Dirty talk?
Erin: [gasp]
JPC: Exactly.
Erin: Oh.
JPC: And she’s like– “I wanna fuck you so bad” and he’s like “I’ll be over in a minute”.
Erin: Not to be crass, but I didn’t just have to say “dirty talk”, lemme give you an example of dirty talk.
JPC: “Fuck” is a perfectly acceptable– for a phone thing to say. My other answer is–
Adal: This is actually gonna– the first answer is gonna lead us to a very popular segment we’re doing for the first time, called “let’s roleplay that”.
JPC: Alright, Adal, you ready? “Bring-bring, bring-bring”.
Erin: First of all, I’d like to be included in this; can I be the sound of the phone?
Adal: Only if you don’t state the word “bring” over and over again.
Erin: Got it.
JPC: You can be a phone, and stage directions.
Erin: Okay. It’s evening, a phone, it rings.
[phone ringing]
Adal: This is Susie.
JPC: Susie, it’s Kevin here, your husband of eleven years. I just got off the big client call, and I’m gonna come home and eat that ass to completion.
Adal: That sounds so fucking hot. Click.
Erin: And he– and the man was happy.
Adal: Oh, wait a second–
JPC: He said “click”?
Adal: Oh, she didn’t hang up.
Erin: Oh, never mind.
Adal: Hold on, it’s still– the segment’s still going.
JPC: Don’t break the reality.
Adal: “Click” is what I wanna watch when you get home tonight. The classic Adam Sandler movie.
JPC: Oh, we’re gonna watch Click. My jaw’s gonna click–
Erin: Click!
JPC: Oh, good.
Erin: When I do it, it’s real, ‘cause I’m stage directions.
Adal: It does say– “she cursed at him, and hung up angrily”, so, to be fair, in that roleplaying, I did not hang up angrily.
Erin: She didn’t finish.
JPC: Yeah, so– oh! Yeah, he came. He came, and she didn’t.
Adal: Over the phone?
Erin: Is this a dirty book? ‘Cause it looks like a nerd book.
Adal: What is this? Oh, it’s the Bible, still.
JPC: This is the same one as that Christian rock band one, so I don’t think they’d mix both of those in. I had another thought, which was that he’s happy, because she’s cursing at him, and she’s angry, which means that she like, hates him. And if, y’know, she didn’t want anything to do with him, she’d be like, indifferent to him completely. But, since there’s passion there, he’s got a fighting chance, because, y’know, passion can be converted over into love.
Erin: This sounds like my life.
Adal: Mhm?
Erin: I relate to both of them.
Adal: Let’s read some of the sweet, sweet clues, here.
JPC: Oh, there’s clues for this one.
Erin: The Q&A clues.
Adal: Erm– “Was the man a masochist who generally liked being unpleasantly treated?”
Erin: No.
Adal: “No.”
JPC: Well, all men to a certain degree.
Adal: “Did the woman love him?” This– I thought that maybe it was unrequited love, so this’ll be a big answer for me. “Did the woman love him? Yes.”
Erin: Oh, I think your initial dirty talk–
JPC: Then, my first one was right–
Adal: “Did he believe that her angry words were really directed at him? No.” So, he thinks she’s a liar.
JPC: He thinks that her angry words–
Adal: “Did he believe that her angry words were really directed at him? No.”
Erin: Maybe she was recalling a story? Like, she was angrily– like something happened in her day.
JPC: Oh, yeah.
Adal: She’s like– “I just remembered, I’m adopted”.
JPC: You just remembered it?
Erin: “Susie and Kevin at work are really getting on my nerves!”
Adal: That’s fair. People who’re adopted never forget. Every day they wake up–
JPC: Every day they wake up, they tear a page off their adopted calendar, and they remember their adoption.
Erin: Oh, no.
Adal: Do you think that’s a Far Side calendar?
Erin: Oh.
JPC: I– Okay, I gotta know the answer. I mean, I still feel like my dirty talk one is the answer that I believe.
Adal: Okay. Ready for the answer?
Erin: Yes.
JPC: I’m ready, yes.
Adal: “She was married to another man–”
JPC: Oh damn!
Adal: “–and he suggested that she pretend that he was an obnoxious telephone solicitor if he called while her husband might overhear. His ruse apparently worked, and he was pleased.”
Erin: Affairs hurt people.
Adal: So–
JPC: Yeah, I think that this is predicated on the destruction of the sacrament of marriage.
Adal: So, let me get this right. So, we’ll say Kevin is the man who called.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Susie is the woman who picked up. Her husband, we’ll call Kevin–
JPC: His name is also Kevin.
Adal: For lack of a better name.
JPC: But there is no other–
Erin: Or, any name.
Adal: So, Kevin called Susie, and Susie let him know, if you do call, I’m gonna pretend you’re a solicitor–
JPC: If my husband’s here.
Adal: If my husband’s here, so that our sin beneath God’s ceiling seems–
Erin: I’m not rooting for them. I don’t want them to be together.
Adal: I’m not rooting for– yeah.
JPC: But, y’know, Kevin– the guy who’s calling– he’s got his own problems, because, like, cheaters are gonna stay cheaters, right? So what’s his endgame here? She leaves him, marries him? Now you’ve just married someone who you know is prone to having an affair. Like, these people, they have no, like, foresight with the way this is gonna turn out.
Adal: That took a real ethical turn.
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: Yeah.
Adal: Your moral compass is–
Erin: That’s not sustainable living.
JPC: It’s really not.
Erin: When you know someone’s gonna do something bad.
JPC: I’m honestly rooting for Kevin– her husband. Because he’s gonna realise that this is going down, and he’s gonna come out as a better person, y’know?
Erin: And he’ll find another Susie.
JPC: Yeah, a better Susie.
Adal: What do we think– this brings us to a favourite segment, first time on the podcast, “six months later”. What do we think’s going down, six months later?
Erin: Susie’s alone.
Adal: Are they still playing this game of cat and mouse on the phone, while the husband is none the wiser?
JPC: No. So, he– Kevin, the husband– has–
Adal: You can just say “Kevin”.
JPC: You’re right. He’s drank himself to death.
Erin: Oh my God.
JPC: Completely unrelated, it was gonna happen anyway. He’s an alcoholic. Also, man, the idea that Susie is gonna be like, that mean to a person on the phone? That’s a human being you’re talking to.
Erin: Yeah, that’s my other problem, like–
JPC: I know they’re calling you during dinner time, but like.
Erin: Right. Like, that’s a good enough cover up, that she’s doing that enough, she’s caught, like, yelling at people? I don’t know. Just hang up.
JPC: Why is it a yell? Why isn’t it– just be like– “No thank you, we don’t want AT&T”.
Adal: Can they just text? Well, the first–
JPC: No, this book was made in 1912, so it was landlines and a switchboard operator that was never–
Erin: It was just one of those old-timey phones. Hello?
Adal: Send smoke signals? Let’s do a next riddle?
Erin: Yes.
JPC: Gotcha.
Adal: Here we go, riddle number three. “A man locked his son out of the house. The son–”
JPC: Hilarious.
Adal: “A man locked his son out of the house. The son thanked him. Explain.” I think I know the answer; he was being sarcastic?
JPC: “A man locked his son out of the house. The son thanked him. Explain.”
Erin: Thank you!
JPC: Oh, thanks a lot, dad! You locked me outta the house, which is just what I wanted.
Erin: There was a fire inside the house.
Adal: Oh, and the dad was–
Erin: Saving him.
JPC: My thought was that there’s a killer inside the house, and the dad is saving his son, by being like– “You go”.
Adal: For both of these– for fire, or killer– and fire is the silent killer. Well, depending on the noise of the fire.
JPC: Oh, I’ve heard some terrible things from fire, in terms of it killing.
Adal: Why couldn’t the dad slip out with the son, and then either use keys, or just shut the door and run?
JPC: So, I think the dad is going back in to fight the killer? Which wouldn’t work for fire, unless the dad’s a firefighter. And firefighters are the ultimate fire killers. Why don’t we call firefighters fire killers?
Erin: Fire murderers?
JPC: Well, I guess for the most part, firefighters don’t always kill the fire. Sometimes, they let the fire kill the building.
Adal: “I put out this fire!” “You’re under arrest.”
JPC: We should call– well, we can’t call firefighters “fire killers” for that reason, but we should call fires “building killers”. So, we should call firefighters “building killer-killers”.
Adal: And then, what do we call the prodigy song? “A man locked his son out of the house. The son thanked him. Explain.” Do we need some clues?
Erin: I would–
JPC: No, well, hold on. I would like one more. So, they’re talking about the U.S House of Representatives, and he’s locking his son out of the House by ruining his reputation, so his son never has to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a United States representative. It’s the end of nepotism, they’re killing nepotism.
Adal: Honestly, that’s–
Erin: I don’t like that idea, but let’s call Netflix. I think we have a series.
JPC: I don’t like that idea, but let’s call Netflix?
Erin: I don’t like it for this context, but as a T.V show? I’d watch the hell out of that.
JPC: I hate it for what we’re doing now, but I like it for something different.
Erin: Red, white, and blue, and nights, and my son.
Adal: I think it’s garbage, but I feel like most of America would watch it. Here’re some clues– “Did the son live in the father’s house? Yes. Was there a physical danger in the house, from which the father wanted to protect his son?” Holy crap!
Erin: Woah.
JPC: Yes?
Adal: “No.”
Erin: Oh.
JPC: Damn.
Adal: But, the fact that they–
JPC: Yeah, so– many fools like me.
Adal: That must be a– yeah. Jumping to conclusions. “Did the father own the house, and unquestionably have the legal right to have his son live with him? Example: the son was not a fugitive from justice. Yes.”
JPC: Damn, so, those question and answers totally nuked my– so, the son’s locking– the father’s locking the son out of the house, and the son’s thanking him.
Erin: ‘Cause it’s a nice day?
Adal: Maybe, the son is like a drug addict? And, his stash is in the house? And, he’s like– “If I ever, y’know, if I ever shoot up, lock me out so I can’t get to my sweet, sweet druggies?”
JPC: Does it say that he thanks him immediately, or that he’ll thank him eventually?
Adal: I think he thanks him immediately.
JPC: It says he thanks him?
Adal: “The son thanked him.”
Erin: ‘Cause they have a pest problem, and they’ve sprayed poison in the house.
JPC: Well, what did they say? There’s not a physical danger.
Erin: Oh, right. Ugh.
JPC: And, I think drug addiction is a physical danger.
Adal: The dad is a gremlin, he spilled water on him, he’s locking him out so he doesn’t have to witness this horrible–
JPC: Yeah. So, he’s a mogwai, he’s not a gremlin.
Adal: What did I say?
JPC: You said “gremlin”, but if he’s a gremlin that spilled water on him, that’s fucking nothing.
Adal: Well, it’s the title of the movie! It’s not “Mogwai”, it’s “Gremlins”. Mogwai’s a gremlin. Mogwai’s the name of the gremlin. Right?
JPC: No. The name of the gremlin’s not “Mogwai”–
Adal: Gizmo. It’s Gizmo.
JPC: Mogwais turn into gremlins.
Adal: Gizmo’s the name, mogwai’s the genre, gremlin’s the species.
JPC: So, his dad’s the Gizmo.
Adal: We ready for the answer?
Erin: Yes. You ready?
JPC: I feel like we can get this one. But– yeah, maybe throw us the answer.
Adal: What’s our score right now?
JPC: I think we haven’t gotten a single one of these.
Adal: Over two?
Erin: I think I’ve gotten all of them.
Adal: Oh, the T.V one we got, with the dad.
JPC: Oh, yes, we got the T.V one.
Adal: So, we’re one for two.
JPC: We didn’t know why, with the way that sound waves work, but we’re one for two.
Erin: I knew one of your warm-up ones. We’re not keeping score. I’m keeping score.
Adal: Those are warm-ups.
JPC: Those are warm-ups. “And an interesting turn in this NBA game, we are going to count some of the baskets from warm-ups, so it looks like the Bulls do win!”
Adal: All those layups.
Erin: “We’re also counting all the baskets those little kids made in half-time.”
Adal: “And two points for every time a player touched his toes. We just wanna reward stretching properly.”
JPC: Warm-ups count now, and nothing’s important.
Adal: Let’s hear the answer– “The son– in his late teens– was spoiled and idle”. Where is this going?
JPC: Oh boy.
Erin: Oh God.
JPC: This book is a Christian book.
Adal: “The father correctly inferred that evicting him and forcing him to earn his own way would benefit him, however unpleasant it would be at first. When the son found a job and had worked at it for a while, he understood how his father’s actions had made his life more respectable and constructive, therefore he thanked his father.”
Erin: Fuck.
JPC: Miss, miss.
Adal: So, you were right in terms of like–
JPC: It’s time after, yeah.
Adal: It matters when he thanked him.
JPC: That was actually my gut, it was inspired by your drug addiction thing, like, it’s, y’know, years later he thanked him for it.
Erin: I wanted that to be more clever. Y’know? I just wanted it–
Adal: Maybe the riddle wanted you to be more clever.
JPC: Wow, damn. We can’t even do–
Adal: A real pot kettles
Erin: I miss math.
JPC: We can’t even do our famous “six months later” on that, because that scenario had a built-in, like, years down the line thing in there, which is like, ugh.
Adal: Let’s–
JPC: Oh, I give that riddle a “D”.
Adal: For Dana?
JPC: For Dana!
Erin: I give it also a D, because that person was also smug after they wrote that.
Adal: What did they say when they put down the pen?
Erin: “Wow, I really hope this helps a couple teen boys turn their life around.”
Adal: I feel like it was written by a father who was like– “How can I covertly send a message to my dipshit son?”
JPC: Yeah.
Erin: Mhm.
Adal: And then, he like, one day taped it into a newspaper, and was like– “Son, anything good in the newspaper?”
JPC: “Hey, Kevin, did you see your old Pop’s riddle in the newspaper? Maybe thank your old Pop for locking you out of the house, and you’re going off to college.”
Adal: Let’s do our second segment of this episode, of a little thing we like to call “role play”. Erin, I’m going to cast you as the son, Kevin.
Erin: Oh, sure.
Adal: JPC, you’ll be the dad, Kevin.
JPC: Okay.
Adal: And I want this to be– versus years down the road– I want this to be the actual moment when you lock Kevin out of the house.
JPC: Okay.
Erin: ‘Scuse me, I’m tryin’–
Adal: Hold on, hold on.
Erin: Oh. Stage directions.
Adal: Bring-bring, bring-bring.
Erin: ‘Scuse me, I’m trying’–
JPC: Hello? Who is this?
Erin: Dad, I’m trying to get into the house.
JPC: Kevin? I’ve locked you out of the house.
Erin: Uh, I’m outside with my skateboard. Let me in.
JPC: Kevin, I know you’re thirteen now, and today’s your birthday. Today, you are a man, and you’ll never step foot in this house until you own a successful franchise business.
Erin: Aw, no.
JPC: It doesn’t have to be a Papa John’s, but you know that would make me proud.
Erin: Let me in.
JPC: Papa Kevin’s, let me take that again. Long Kevin Silvers?
Adal: Too late. Too late. It’s canon. It’s canon.
Erin: I’ll never… I’ll never thank you for this! Mark my words. I’ll never thank you for this!
JPC: Mark?
Erin: Kevin my words!
JPC: [laughing] Damn it.
Adal: As Kevin walks away, the dad is still looking through the screen door. We see a mysterious shop that wasn’t there before pop up in front of the door.
[pop sound]
Adal: ‘scuse me, are you looking for a pet to buy?
JPC: [laughing] Oh, that’s a pretty racist accent you’re using.
Adal: Really? It sounds just like the voice–
JPC: [laughs]
Adal: –sounds just like the voice you’re using.
JPC: I’m just saying, it won’t age well.
Adal: Regardless–
JPC: [laughs]
Erin: Regardless?
Adal: Not age well? Just like your son?
JPC: [laughing] There it is.
Erin: Dad! I’m back!
JPC: And scene.
Erin: –and I own a Dominos
Adal: Yes, he is seen. You’re seeing your son for the first time.
Adal: I’m selling gremlins.
JPC: You’re selling gremlins?
Adal: Mmm hmm.
Erin: Click.
JPC: Unfortunately we did– as funny as that was, we introduced the names John and Mark into the official canon which–
Adal: [sighs]
Erin: Now they’re there.
JPC: Now they’re there. Oh boy–
Adal: So the last riddle we’ll do here, this’ll be listener submitted. Since this is our first episode, I posted on Twitter this evening to see if anybody would send me some riddles. We got quite a few but I’m gonna use one from a person we all know and love: Alice Stanley out in L.A. And here is the riddle sent to us from Alice. Alice says “There’s a cabin in the middle of the woods–”
JPC: Okay, I’m into it.
Adal: “Everyone in it is dead–”
JPC: Well, still into it.
Erin: [laughs]
Adal: “They were not murdered but they did not die of natural causes or an act of God.” Again, takes a religious turn. “How did they die?” “There’s a cabin in the middle of the woods. Everyone in it is dead. They were not murdered but they did not die of natural causes or an act of God. How did they die?”
JPC: Oh, I have so many questions. My–
Adal: Ask away. I’ve seen the answer for this one, I will admit. Just because I had to have that ready.
Erin: Oh.
JPC: My first thought– my first thought is that it’s some kind of, like cult drinking poison, all going up to heaven in a spaceship-
Adal: It was not suicide.
JPC: It was not suicide.
Adal: What cult goes up to a spaceship?
JPC: It was, was it–
Adal: There was the Hale-Bop. What were they?
JPC: Oh, the comet?
Adal: The comet one.
JPC: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was their name?
Adal: They– they like, all wore purple Nikes or something right?
JPC: Mm hm, mm hm, mm hm.
Adal: They thought they were sending–
Erin: Very cool.
Adal: I think they thought they were hitching a ride on that comet.
JPC: On the comet, yeah.
Adal: A lot of people died, Erin–
Erin: Oh.
Adal: [laughing] And you’re right, it was very cool.
Erin: Oh, yeah, yeah. No. Yeah.
JPC: Good branding for Nike too.
Erin: I’m gonna close my eyes.
Adal: The crime scene was probably the hippest crime scene.
JPC: It’s not suicide–
Adal: It’s not suicide.
JPC: But it’s not natural causes.
Adal: It’s not murder, it’s not natural causes, or an act of God.
Erin: There was a leak. There was a gas leak, they put on the stove and then they fell asleep.
JPC: Oh yeah, propane.
Adal: What kind of gas? Natural gas? Because it wasn’t natural causes.
JPC: Oh, that’s true.
JPC: Carbon monoxide.
Erin: Carbon monoxide.
Adal: That’s not it.
JPC: Okay.
JPC: A loose bird got in there and they all took out their–
Adal: Bow and arrow?
JPC: No, rifles because they’re idiots and cowards.
Erin: They didn’t all have the same disease?
Adal: No.
JPC: Did they all die the same way?
Adal: They all died the same way. I can only assume.
JPC: Did they all die at the same time?
Adal: Probably?
JPC: Okay.
Erin: ...A car, came..?
JPC: Does it matter how many of them there are?
Erin: An ice cream truck. Driven by Suzie–
JPC: Thank you.
Erin: –barrelled through the house–
Adal: For fun, we’ll say that there’s twenty people. And remember, that’s for fun.
JPC: So twenty people dying is fun for you?
Erin: “Don’t forget” [laughs]
Adal: I could make it three people–
Erin: And what shoes were they wearing?
Adal: –but I want as many people to die as possible. Twenty people.
JPC: Okay, so they’re in this cabin– oh boy. And then they all died, not natural causes–
Adal: Have you seen the movie “Cabin In The Woods”?
JPC: I have.
Erin: Yes.
Adal: Then that will help you.
JPC: Will it? Really?
Adal: No.
Erin: Oh, why say that then?
Adal: “There’s a cabin in the middle of the woods. Everyone in it is dead. They were not murdered but they did not die of natural causes, or an act of God. How did they die?”
JPC: Were they dead–
Erin: –when they got there?
JPC: – did they die in the cabin? Or were they–
Erin: Taxidermied! Ashes, they’re all in– they’re all ashes.
Adal: Hold on, everyone else shut up. Erin,Erin, what?
Erin: [Laughing]
JPC: You think these people are taxidermied? [laughs]
Erin: I do. And I pictured it and now you are too.
JPC: I know, I know this–
Adal: What poses do you think they’re in?
Erin: Oh, “Cabin poses”. They’re playing cards–
JPC: “Cabin poses”.
Erin: –a couple are in a hot tub–
Adal: You know, “cabin poses”.
Erin: –two are making out upstairs.
Adal: “Hey Kevin, get the kids. Let’s do some cabin poses.”
JPC: Also, my other guess was, that– this is not correct, when they do, like nuclear testing and they put, like, the dummies. Like, they stage them? So this could be like bodies that were staged for science. The experiment is like, to see how bodies decompose in a cabin.
Erin: Right. Were they dead when they got there, I guess is our question.
Adal: When they got to the woods they were dead. Probably.
Erin: Oh, but not at the cabin?
Adal: Depending how long it took them to die. I assume immediate death.
JPC: You assume immediate death?
Erin: They froze to death! That’s natural causes.
JPC: So we’re trying to figure out how they died. Right?
Adal: Yeah.
JPC: Okay.
Erin: But he’s saying they didn’t necessarily die in the cabin, they died before they got to the cabin.
Adal: They definitely died in the cabin–
Erin: But they started to die before.
JPC: What Adal’s saying is, like, you know, philosophically we’re all dying.
Erin: Oh my Gosh.
Adal: We’re all already dead.
JPC: Mm hm.
Adal: But I’m not sure, I assume they all died immediately at the same time. But I can’t be– since I was not there. And I don’t know how physics work.
JPC: You really are making a big deal of how “you weren’t there”.
Erin: Physics? They died from too much gravity–
Adal: But I know that there are twenty people dead. You want the answer?
Erin: Hold on.
JPC: Hold on.
Adal: Or I can answer some more questions.
Erin: Answer some more questions.
JPC: Yeah, answer some more questions. We’re not going to ask any more questions but we’d love the answers to some questions we’re not asking. Give us a clue à la the clues that you read off your Christian book.
Adal: Here. This isn’t from the Christian book, but here’s a clue I just made up. They were most likely eating peanuts in this cabin.
JPC: Dude.
Erin: What?
JPC: I got it. Thank you. Okay. I now know the answer.
Adal: Erin, it’s on you.
Erin: Hold on. Oh my, no. Alright, wait–
JPC: Can you read the prompt one more time? Oh I feel so smart right now. This is a great feeling, when you experience this you’re gonna love it.
Adal: There’s a cabin in the middle of the woods. Everyone in it is dead. They were not murdered but they did not die of natural causes or an act of God. How did they die?
[silence]
Adal: Also, there’s a clue that they were also probably eating peanuts.
Erin: I don’t know.
Adal: I’ll give you one more clue? The cabin was in a plane, Erin.
JPC: [laughs]
Erin: The cabin was in a what?
Adal: A plane. It was a plane crash–
Erin: Oh!
Adal: They’re all in a cabin, they crashed in the middle of the woods–
JPC: So, what cued it off for me was when Adal said the word “fuselage”. And I was like, “fuselages are in planes” and so that really–
Erin: Oh my gosh. Alice–
Adal: Alice, thank you so much for sending this. Here’s my big qualm with this, is, isn’t a plane crash, if you– I don’t subscribe to any religion, but isn’t a plane crash an act of God?
JPC: Um–
Erin: No.
Adal: What are acts of God?
JPC: Like, hurricane–
Adal: But isn't that nature?
JPC: A plane crash? That’s mechanical.
Adal: A tornado is nature–
JPC: Yes.
Adal: –lightning is nature–
JPC: For sure.
Adal: What is an act of God?
JPC: Hold on, I want you to list three more things that are nature, because I don’t quite know that you have it yet.
Adal: Earthquake.
JPC: Yes.
Erin: [laughs]
Adal: Flood.
JPC: Yes.
Adal: Hurricane.
JPC: Correct. Got it.
Adal: Lightning
JPC: You’re good on nature.
Adal: Too much wind.
JPC: Mmm hmm.
Erin: Trees. Grass.
JPC: Too much wind is nature.
Adal: Bees.
JPC: Bees are nature!
Erin: Cabin. Like an airplane.
Adal: So what is, what is an act of God?
JPC: That’s an act of God. Like a–
Adal: So we’re conflating nature causes–
Erin: Sometimes an act of God is when everyone’s dead at once. For no reason.
JPC: Oh, you’re thinking of a Rapture.
Erin: Yeah, that’s what I mean.
JPC: So a Rapture’s an act of God, but it’s also a fake thing that doesn’t exist.
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: So the answer to this could have been, this is a plot in the show “Leftovers”.
Erin: Yeah.
JPC: Yeah. But thats–
Erin: Cabin.
JPC: That’s not a– Alice, your riddle stands. Adal is wrong. He doesn’t believe in any God. If he believed in the powers that I believe in, he would understand.
Erin: Yeah that was my favorite one. I don’t give that one a D.
JPC: No, that one gets an A. For Alice.
Erin: Yeah.
Adal: A for Alice.
JPC: And Alice in an anagram for, Anatomical, Lady, In Control of her Emotions!
Erin: Susie.
Adal: You can email us– you can email us. Submit your own riddles or lateral thinking problems, or puzzles, whatever you want. These can be ones you know or ones you made up yourself that you wanna pose to us. You can email us at hrrpodcast@gmail.com. That’s hrrpodcast@gmail.com. You can also find us on Twitter @HeyRiddleRiddle, spelled as it sounds. So check us out there. Please send us your riddles and puzzles. Send us some math for Erin, if you like–
Erin: Please.
JPC: And if you have any workplace disputes you wanna talk about, you can email me at hrpodcast@gmail.com. I’ll be doing my best to answer sensitive workplace questions.
Adal: Thank you to all you Kevins and Suzies listening to us, and we’re gonna take you out with some music from the Electric Ear Splitters.
Arne: This has been Hey Riddle Riddle. Created by Adal Rifai. Starring Erin Keif. And John Patrick Coan. KJ Snyder did the editing. And Arne Parrott did the music. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle.
Rose: That was a Headgum Podcast.